Meandering thoughts..
I am sure everyone is curious whats going on in my head as you all know that SG is actually meeting new people and has plans even this week.. tommorow no less heh. I don't know yet. I'm taking it step by step and stride by stride. Simply not thinking about it is impossible for me as if I'm not busy and pre-occupied my mind can browse and ponder thousands of different thoughts.. but only a few of them actually remain within my thought patterns long enough to be actually thought of. As to if I am ok about this.. I'm not sure yet, so far so good my ravaging emotions are at bay and I'm going about my daily business with little to no worry.. its nice.. but I'd be lying if a part of myself didn't dread thursday.. can I handle it? can I remain optimistic and can I just go with the flow? I guess this will be my test.. I admit this get together comes as another shock.. it was only last week that SG approached me about this.. and so soon..
I guess now I can honestly say how Jack felt to a degree.. pressured, a little outta the loop and maybe a bit neglected.. true its not that.. its simply the timeframe.. I am sure SG and I will talk more.. we have already and agreed to take this slow.. but I hope its a slow both of us can tolerate.. I just don't want her going out with 50 guys all of a sudden (intimacy not required but there is the chance) Yes I'm blowing it a bit outta proportion.. I would just like to take the time.. knowing this I wish Jack had said something.. I totally see through his eyes a bit.. and I feel bad that he went through this.. but he's stronger then I as I know I couldn't allow my wife to do this.. but he can.. and thats great..
Everyones getting what they want right? Sure seems that way. I've not been much for praying but I hope this all goes well. Its good for me too.. it lets me develop more and control my emotions better and not be so irrational when it comes to women. Guys will stab you in the back for a price of a happy meal.. women.. stab your heart.. flame broil it, and feed it to their cerebus's lol if you don't know what a cerebus is its a mythical giant dog with 2 heads that can spew fire and craves human flesh... lol I love greek mythology.
Now your probably saying "Wow he's got issues!" and honestly I admit I do.. HOWEVER.. thanks to SG, Jack, and V.. I've come a long ways.. and honestly I doubt if the couple and friends were different. I would have bailed long long ago.. their continued support, love, and advice is a true godsend in helping me become a better man.
I guess now I can honestly say how Jack felt to a degree.. pressured, a little outta the loop and maybe a bit neglected.. true its not that.. its simply the timeframe.. I am sure SG and I will talk more.. we have already and agreed to take this slow.. but I hope its a slow both of us can tolerate.. I just don't want her going out with 50 guys all of a sudden (intimacy not required but there is the chance) Yes I'm blowing it a bit outta proportion.. I would just like to take the time.. knowing this I wish Jack had said something.. I totally see through his eyes a bit.. and I feel bad that he went through this.. but he's stronger then I as I know I couldn't allow my wife to do this.. but he can.. and thats great..
Everyones getting what they want right? Sure seems that way. I've not been much for praying but I hope this all goes well. Its good for me too.. it lets me develop more and control my emotions better and not be so irrational when it comes to women. Guys will stab you in the back for a price of a happy meal.. women.. stab your heart.. flame broil it, and feed it to their cerebus's lol if you don't know what a cerebus is its a mythical giant dog with 2 heads that can spew fire and craves human flesh... lol I love greek mythology.
Now your probably saying "Wow he's got issues!" and honestly I admit I do.. HOWEVER.. thanks to SG, Jack, and V.. I've come a long ways.. and honestly I doubt if the couple and friends were different. I would have bailed long long ago.. their continued support, love, and advice is a true godsend in helping me become a better man.
posted by K at 4:28 PM
6 Comments:
k,
Great blog post. It sounds like your doing a lot of self evaluation lately. Sorry I havn't been commenting. I am here reading your blog every day.
Are you going to do anymore on your story?? I sure enjoyed it..
BIG HUGS
~padme
I will soon I think :) sorry for dropping it so suddenly.
K: some quotes and coments:
"I wish Jack had said something.."
LOL!
"I totally see through his eyes a bit.. and I feel bad that he went through this.."
no, you probably don't. he is a far more open person than you, K.
He is more prepared to be in an open relationship.
"I know I couldn't allow my wife to do this.. but he can.. and thats great.."
great for you? great for him? for SG?
Now you are saying this:
I'm confortable in an open relationship provided that she is not my spouse and there is no other lover besides me.
My question is: isn't there some (moral) relativism in your line of thinking?
And I wonder: how is that a person with your "issues" can be included (and is willing to be included) in an open relationships?
I have read a lot in SG blog that "poly is not for everyone" and I ask:
is it for you at all?
Let's be clear:
you are in love with SG, you are so in love that you are willing to be "second to jack" and you are ready to accept that... but I guess that the whole idea of a "really" open relationship will hurt you because:
1) you are in love with her (same as Jack, different from other lovers)
2) you are not able to "share" her (not even sexually) (different from jack)
So: don't compare yourself to jack. he does not want sexual exclusivity, but he was (apparently)uncomfortable because he was loosing the emotional excusivity with SG (lost it to you).
You instead want both sexual and emotional exclusivity (shared with jack because there is no other choice)
m_i
M-I hmm curious posting.. I see some flaws in how I stated it..
Yes he is far more open.. I wasn't comparing myself to him, simply stating what I see.
Open relationship? I don't know yet but so far so good and I'm working on it.
Why its great? that they are that close to allow such a expansion in their lives with or without me. As for being comfortable in an open relationship.. I never was able to handle it.. now I am in one and true if she were my spouse I doubt I'd be able to handle it, as for the only other lover I'm changing that thinking.
As for my issues.. when I first met SG it overwhelmed me. She never knew as I kept my emotions pretty tight lipped. as we drew closer I gradually opened up.. her care and attention allowed me to begin ovecoming my own obstacles and allow myself to leave my issues in the past so to speak. I feel lighter and more interested in the world thanks to her.
As for Sharing SG her and I have come to an understanding about what I would like (would but not necesary) simply keep me in the loop and allow me at least a little say. Other then that nothing. She is free to do as she pleases I just want to know so that I can come to bear with those emotions and conquer them. If I cannot I will leave.
I don't want to make it exclusive as I know that would not make SG or anyone happy. So I'm trying a new unknown path instead of running away.. scared as shit yes but I'm going down that path.
No two people are alike and my mind is wired alot different then everyones.. I'm predictable at times but sometimes I come out of left field..
All I'm saying is I am going through alot of changes right now and accepting alot of which I am unknown to.. or rather unaccustomed.. in time I'll have a better judgement of whether it is for me or not. I simply cannot give you a straightforward answer as I don't have one for myself! lol
Hopefully I cleared some things up?
Poly is nothing if not an interesting journey where you get to discover a lot of things about yourself, and if you're lucky you learn from the experiences and partners you have along the way.
Some relationships will be intense and lasting, some short and fiery, some disastrous. But that's true of any relationship, whether it be with one person at a time or a few at once.
You're right near the beginning, and that's the most challenging place to be. You'll probably be forced to face things about yourself you don't like, and discover whole new resources and strength you didn't know you had. Whether a relationship turns out to be a crucible or a snug lovers cave, it's all a chance to love and learn.
Looking forward to meeting you at the BBQ btw :)
lol thnx for the invite Zast ;) I actually knew nothing about it till SG told me at 12:30am lol I was like.. oh good to know.. and we'll see if all is ok, if so then ya I could go for it :)
Thanks for your post as well you've stated alot of good things. I know things seem rough now but one can only hope for the best.. Its been good to me as I've developed and I'm proud of that.. I just hope everything will go back to "normal" if this can even be considered normal lol.
Once again thanks for the comment :)
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