Its friday night..
Its friday night and I'm going out.. its gunna be pretty intense in more ways then one thats for sure. I don't know.. I've read Sg's blog.. and parts offended me and other parts I agreed.. One question is am I poly or mono?
Well its difficult.. I love SG and well Like Jack for lack of a better term. I can't love him any more then friendship.. however that in itself can be even stronger. I've made great friends and have chosen friendships over women hands down.. as the old attache goes.. "Bro's before Hoe's" lol. However this isn't the case.. I was upset at SG for her sudden need to break out and find new people.. it stunned me as I always felt content and got the same feeling from her.. most of the time.. seems I was wrong.. I think we got our lines crossed when we developed actual "relationship" rather then just bed partners.. I am monogamous by nature as it is what was taught and I grew up with. SG and Jack are my first poly.. with past experiences it makes it very difficult to trust.. women especially. Now SG has proven herself many a times.. and even fumbled a bit. As have I.. I guess I was naive to believe that Jack and myself would content her.. its like when Jack opened SG to the door of poly although hesitant she has embraced it. Me.. I need to work more on it.. I am sure in time I can.. but thats what I need now.. is time..
Last night for example my night was not going so great and I made the mistake of having a serious conversation despite my foul mood.. I had the entire day today to think on it and came to terms with myself.. that yes I was being unreasonable to a degree.. yes a degree. Everyone has an ego. I am no different. So when someone tells you that they want to see other people its kind of a blow.. to anyone really (especially Green poly people like me if you can consider it as such) I'm not as socially and emotionally equiped for all of this as SG and Jack are.. true they learned alot and dealt with hidden feelings they didn't know.. I guess I am just a bit slower then the class. Experience has alot.. and I'm a little wet behind the ears when it comes to that. I was hurt when SG approached me about this.. I was content with working hard and doing what I could to improve and develop our relationship once more.. to prove to Jack that I can be more then he see's I don't think I've ever been more vigilant and determined when doing something. So when SG pulled this out of her hat (it was basically out of left field for me) it seemed to throw all that I had been working so hard to accomplish in my face. So naturally I got defensive. Its something I do.. I could say that it shows how much I love the person.. because if I didn't care or love about them I wouldn't give a damn about what they do.. but when I love and worry and have emotional attachments I tend to let my emotions get the best of me.. Call it youth.. inexperience.. I call it life personally.
On the flipside on the long trip home from work I thought alot.. I listened to the Song "Live like your dying" By Tim McGraw and it got me thinking.. why get hung up? I'm here to live life.. not dwell... so she wants to meet friends and such.. who am I to get upset about that? Meeting friends I'm not.. I applaud her and encourage her to do that.. now intimate encounters is something really different.. I don't know.. I can't say how it feels.. it makes me jealous as a bit.. like I'm not enough.. even tho she encourages me saying that is not the case.. I really don't know.. I just.. feel inadequet with my life experiences.. I guess you could say emotionally I am fragile.. mentally I'm a brick wall.. mostly due to my experiences making my head a walking minefield for even myself.. but SG was there and survived.. I just.. dunno.. feel like I have to prove myself all over again..
I know somethings that hit me hard as well.. it is hard to take.. I only hope she is the woman I imagine.. Its so hard for me to trust someone... but I trust her.. despite how I act.. even if in the past she's not been what I figured.. but in reality who is? She's not the one for me.. but she's one whom I love.. I just hope thats enough.. Won't hurt me to compromise a bit for her..
Well its difficult.. I love SG and well Like Jack for lack of a better term. I can't love him any more then friendship.. however that in itself can be even stronger. I've made great friends and have chosen friendships over women hands down.. as the old attache goes.. "Bro's before Hoe's" lol. However this isn't the case.. I was upset at SG for her sudden need to break out and find new people.. it stunned me as I always felt content and got the same feeling from her.. most of the time.. seems I was wrong.. I think we got our lines crossed when we developed actual "relationship" rather then just bed partners.. I am monogamous by nature as it is what was taught and I grew up with. SG and Jack are my first poly.. with past experiences it makes it very difficult to trust.. women especially. Now SG has proven herself many a times.. and even fumbled a bit. As have I.. I guess I was naive to believe that Jack and myself would content her.. its like when Jack opened SG to the door of poly although hesitant she has embraced it. Me.. I need to work more on it.. I am sure in time I can.. but thats what I need now.. is time..
Last night for example my night was not going so great and I made the mistake of having a serious conversation despite my foul mood.. I had the entire day today to think on it and came to terms with myself.. that yes I was being unreasonable to a degree.. yes a degree. Everyone has an ego. I am no different. So when someone tells you that they want to see other people its kind of a blow.. to anyone really (especially Green poly people like me if you can consider it as such) I'm not as socially and emotionally equiped for all of this as SG and Jack are.. true they learned alot and dealt with hidden feelings they didn't know.. I guess I am just a bit slower then the class. Experience has alot.. and I'm a little wet behind the ears when it comes to that. I was hurt when SG approached me about this.. I was content with working hard and doing what I could to improve and develop our relationship once more.. to prove to Jack that I can be more then he see's I don't think I've ever been more vigilant and determined when doing something. So when SG pulled this out of her hat (it was basically out of left field for me) it seemed to throw all that I had been working so hard to accomplish in my face. So naturally I got defensive. Its something I do.. I could say that it shows how much I love the person.. because if I didn't care or love about them I wouldn't give a damn about what they do.. but when I love and worry and have emotional attachments I tend to let my emotions get the best of me.. Call it youth.. inexperience.. I call it life personally.
On the flipside on the long trip home from work I thought alot.. I listened to the Song "Live like your dying" By Tim McGraw and it got me thinking.. why get hung up? I'm here to live life.. not dwell... so she wants to meet friends and such.. who am I to get upset about that? Meeting friends I'm not.. I applaud her and encourage her to do that.. now intimate encounters is something really different.. I don't know.. I can't say how it feels.. it makes me jealous as a bit.. like I'm not enough.. even tho she encourages me saying that is not the case.. I really don't know.. I just.. feel inadequet with my life experiences.. I guess you could say emotionally I am fragile.. mentally I'm a brick wall.. mostly due to my experiences making my head a walking minefield for even myself.. but SG was there and survived.. I just.. dunno.. feel like I have to prove myself all over again..
I know somethings that hit me hard as well.. it is hard to take.. I only hope she is the woman I imagine.. Its so hard for me to trust someone... but I trust her.. despite how I act.. even if in the past she's not been what I figured.. but in reality who is? She's not the one for me.. but she's one whom I love.. I just hope thats enough.. Won't hurt me to compromise a bit for her..
posted by K at 7:11 PM
2 Comments:
k,
I mentioned you in my blog post tonight. Thanks for chatting earlier. I hope your night goes ok tonight. You were really there for me earlier...thank you. I know I wasn't good company but you were hanging in there with me...thank you!! I appreciate your friendship so much.
BIG HUGS
~padme
it makes me jealous as a bit.. like I'm not enough.. even tho she encourages me saying that is not the case.. I really don't know.. I just.. feel inadequet with my life experiences..
The jealousy is pretty much natural, and it can/does get easier and easier. My wife and I are poly, and I've had more than a few times where I needed to take some time to come to terms with it, and identify exactly *why* I was feeling jealous. Sometimes it took me 10 minutes, other times it took days or weeks. I've always managed to learn from it though, and that's been a positive I might never have had.
I hope you don't mind if I ask a rather difficult question though. There seem to be a few references in your post to feeling inadequate, primarily as a result of SG entertaining the idea of other partners. There also seems to be a fear/concern that you are somehow not enough and some negative feelings with that.
The question is, do you think that SG dating you in any way lessens Jack?
I've never bought into that kind of math. Love isn't finite. Only time is ;)
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