K unchained
I'm in a horribly shitty mood so I got thinking.. HEY why not drege up all my past and throw it into the mix.. I call it K's special surprise. Got a kick to the nuts kind of first impression and leaves that shit in your mouth after taste YUM..
K at birth hmm.. Oh yah... I couldn't do a fucking thing right. I was a short 45 lb stick kid.. the kind you spit on and try and get a rise out of because you knew he'd snap and kick the living shit out of someone. All I wanted was what everyone wanted. to have friends have fun. Nope not me. True my parents weren't bad parents like some I've heard and seen.. but they were no angel parents. Who's parents were? well I feared going home from school. Why? I always had to work. Had to work hard, if your going to do something do it right. If not you'll wear my boot up your ass. Make a mistake? bare your ass and I'll get the belt. and this wasnt some panzy belt this was real rawhide leather and about 4 inches wide and a 1/4 thick.. Yah when that hit your ass it hurt. got that from age 5 on or so. I know alot of you like pain and spanking and such but its not for me.. Now SG knows my severe relucatance to spank her. I was a middle child of three. An older brother, a younger sister. My older brother was a typical tempermental abusive type.. beat me up alot.. Sister was a whiney spoiled brat.. whined alot my parents "disciplined" me..Good example of this? I was 10 years old, sister was 8. We were going camping.. learned to hate camping as everytime we go it was rushed and something would go wrong at the start and I'd get smacked around. This time was no different. Were all packed up and heading out of town, going through a checklist. My sister forgot her fishing rod. Its a single cab ford and I'm by the door. My Father reaches past everyone to smack my head against the dash basically 3 times because "I should have made sure your sister had everything" So Yah. I hate camping. What kid hates camping? And people wondered why I would take my little knife and go "bear hunting". The BEST thing about camping was at the lake we went to there was this deadfall that hung above the lake.. I'd go lay on the deadfall there when the sun got low and watch the sunset.. just myself.. I even kidded myself that one day I'd take the one I am meant for there to show that to her.
Oh heres a gem.. remember how they joke about fathers instilling fear in their kids to make them listen? well I was very afraid of my father.. still am sort of. We had just burned a buncha old boards from the dismantled fence. The coals were recently out and there was a nail. My father told me to pick it up.. Now I know its scorching hot.. I look at him like he's nuts.. he tells me to pick it up.. heres where fear takes over rational thought.. I pick it up, burn my fingers, he and his friend laugh and say how stupid are you for actually picking it up out of the fire.
So yah just a brief image of my childhood. Now moving on. I move out. I'm 19, we get a new place and I meet my first girlfriend online (Note I had previous gf's but none that lasted more then a week so I don't count them) She travels two provinces to meet me. Right at christmas time.. she;s never had a special christmas.. so I do my best.. chocolates.. her favorite movie.. wine.. the whollle nine yards... lasted 3 months with her.. first actual relationship.. she tells me one night she has to go home.. why? Medical reasons she needed her medication.. (mental stuff.. She told me this AFTER she showed up warning sign one.. ignored due to helplessly in love fool). I am distraught.. very.. I was a wimp.. I cried alot.. I don't care what anyone says I hated crying but I simply did. After knowing this I gave her my graduation ring as a promise ring.. and proposed to her.. I truly loved her.. yah I haven't seen my grad ring again..I also did not trust her.. (who can trust their first gf really?) it was the inexperience of my infantile relationship experience. In the end it drove her away.. but not before she claimed to be pregnant with my child, dating this guy I absolutely abhor. Convincednearly everyone that I abused her physically and mentally, wouldn't let her have friends, wouldn't let her go out wouldn't let her do anything. Its just my word but I can tell you that other then my distrust.. I treated her like gold.. I did everything I could to ensure she was supported financially and emotionally wise. Finally she told me she broke up with 2 months AFTER she had broken up with me (she never told me but told me she loved me and we were still together for 2 months) Yah.. then she "miscarries" her child.. my would be first born.. lost.. later I find out it was an ovarian cyst.. so yah first GF... full of lies.. guess I was right not to trust her.. needless to say I was devestated.
2 years go by.. no gf's no relationships.. nothing so when I meet another girl online I go for it.. not chaotically however.. I drill her online and all that.. we fit perfectly.. We always made each other laugh.. we always liked talking to each other.. we had alot in common.. after a 3 months of drilling here and ensuring she was the real deal (not wanting to rush this time) I bought her a one way ticket up here (I wasn't wasting my money just to send her back if her and I really got along which in my mind was a sure thing) Found out on our first meeting as soon as she saw me she "knew it wasn't going to work" and that she had just wanted to be friends when she came up.. HELLO? you don't tell someone you love them and that you want to be with them if you want to be only friends.. lasted a month.. well her stay did.. then the Gov paid her way back.. family emergency.. my relationship actually survived about.. 3 or 4 days.. go fing me hey? Once again my trust issues arouse.. never accused her but the way her and my roomate acted it made me suspicious.. they would talk to each other in pm's even when in the same room.. at a lan party they talked to each other almost the entire time in PM's (private msg;s like msn) wouldn't discuss anything with me.. spent time alone together.. went to the bar together and told me I had to stay home and look after the guy she likes who's having trust issues with her too.. at this point I had given up on her.. so I didn;t care that despite being in my house she still picked up guys online.. theres a winner now that I think of it.. anyways she went back.. cost me an arm and a leg.. I never had a dollar to my name for the entire time she was there... she was a picky eater. wouldn't eat anything I cooked.. "I didn't do it the way she liked it" so I ate it..
so thats 2 online relationships down.. 2 relationships period.. after 5 months I met SG and Jack.. at this point I had basically sworn off pursuing women for anything but flings.. I had my heart ripped out too much by too many.. this all that you read now is only the more larger incidents in my life. So yes I have ALOT of baggage and mistrust.. betrayal.. pain in my life. At least thats my view and what I see. Some of you might think this is nothing at all compared to your lives.. well that may be true but in my heart and my mind it was extremely difficult. Now with SG.. she has once betrayed my trust.. and I once here.. I was surprised at how unaffected I was with it all.. I didn't care.. but now the thought of her and another guy (Not including jack.. as well he's her husband and I don't get jealous or anything of that) the thought sickens me.. right now is worse then ever before.. I was waiting for this.. for the past while I had a air of blissful ignorance.. like my mind denied it all.. that there was still hope.. well today all that vanished and right now I took the full brunt of everything.. and well.. this is why I am posting.. stewing the pot.. giving you dirt on me.. whatever.. told you before I'd let you all know more about me.. now you have some insight into my experiences.. my distrust my wierdness.. OH and my jealousy/dislike for guys stems from the fact almost all the women I know have been assaulted/raped.. soemthing I despise and the fact that from what I've seen most men are horned up perv's looking for one nighters and don't care if they hurt the woman.. now I know not all are like this some are great guys.. I just don't trust anyone really..
Now given this whole situation.. I feel horrible.. why? due to a "broken record" life.. it repeats.. relationship after relationship dooms with me.. so I am very reluctant to try another but it seems some just think I'm going to move on and find someone new.. Jack was partially right when he says I'm only trying so hard because I have no one else." well I don't have anyone else.. that much is true.. honestly before SG and V (we spent a good amount of time together) showed up in my life I had a pretty shoddy life.. but since meeting them I have grown and developed more in this last 5 months then I have in years.. now.. thats all gone.. everything I loved, relied on.. is gone.. Like the support on a scaffold breaking.. one moment its there.. the next your plummeting 35 feet down to upright rebar.. (used a work analogy fyi)
To compliment this all is that SG is hurting.. and that in itself is my balls in a vice.. it hurts me more then a shot to the gut. and who do I blame? Myself of course.. when in doubt blame yourself is my motto.. I know that annoys people but its who I am live with it. I also know Jack's hurting as he has to watch SG deal with this so it all compounds on me.. Yep selfish me.. So yes..I think thats all I wanted to say...
Now...I need a drink..
K at birth hmm.. Oh yah... I couldn't do a fucking thing right. I was a short 45 lb stick kid.. the kind you spit on and try and get a rise out of because you knew he'd snap and kick the living shit out of someone. All I wanted was what everyone wanted. to have friends have fun. Nope not me. True my parents weren't bad parents like some I've heard and seen.. but they were no angel parents. Who's parents were? well I feared going home from school. Why? I always had to work. Had to work hard, if your going to do something do it right. If not you'll wear my boot up your ass. Make a mistake? bare your ass and I'll get the belt. and this wasnt some panzy belt this was real rawhide leather and about 4 inches wide and a 1/4 thick.. Yah when that hit your ass it hurt. got that from age 5 on or so. I know alot of you like pain and spanking and such but its not for me.. Now SG knows my severe relucatance to spank her. I was a middle child of three. An older brother, a younger sister. My older brother was a typical tempermental abusive type.. beat me up alot.. Sister was a whiney spoiled brat.. whined alot my parents "disciplined" me..Good example of this? I was 10 years old, sister was 8. We were going camping.. learned to hate camping as everytime we go it was rushed and something would go wrong at the start and I'd get smacked around. This time was no different. Were all packed up and heading out of town, going through a checklist. My sister forgot her fishing rod. Its a single cab ford and I'm by the door. My Father reaches past everyone to smack my head against the dash basically 3 times because "I should have made sure your sister had everything" So Yah. I hate camping. What kid hates camping? And people wondered why I would take my little knife and go "bear hunting". The BEST thing about camping was at the lake we went to there was this deadfall that hung above the lake.. I'd go lay on the deadfall there when the sun got low and watch the sunset.. just myself.. I even kidded myself that one day I'd take the one I am meant for there to show that to her.
Oh heres a gem.. remember how they joke about fathers instilling fear in their kids to make them listen? well I was very afraid of my father.. still am sort of. We had just burned a buncha old boards from the dismantled fence. The coals were recently out and there was a nail. My father told me to pick it up.. Now I know its scorching hot.. I look at him like he's nuts.. he tells me to pick it up.. heres where fear takes over rational thought.. I pick it up, burn my fingers, he and his friend laugh and say how stupid are you for actually picking it up out of the fire.
So yah just a brief image of my childhood. Now moving on. I move out. I'm 19, we get a new place and I meet my first girlfriend online (Note I had previous gf's but none that lasted more then a week so I don't count them) She travels two provinces to meet me. Right at christmas time.. she;s never had a special christmas.. so I do my best.. chocolates.. her favorite movie.. wine.. the whollle nine yards... lasted 3 months with her.. first actual relationship.. she tells me one night she has to go home.. why? Medical reasons she needed her medication.. (mental stuff.. She told me this AFTER she showed up warning sign one.. ignored due to helplessly in love fool). I am distraught.. very.. I was a wimp.. I cried alot.. I don't care what anyone says I hated crying but I simply did. After knowing this I gave her my graduation ring as a promise ring.. and proposed to her.. I truly loved her.. yah I haven't seen my grad ring again..I also did not trust her.. (who can trust their first gf really?) it was the inexperience of my infantile relationship experience. In the end it drove her away.. but not before she claimed to be pregnant with my child, dating this guy I absolutely abhor. Convincednearly everyone that I abused her physically and mentally, wouldn't let her have friends, wouldn't let her go out wouldn't let her do anything. Its just my word but I can tell you that other then my distrust.. I treated her like gold.. I did everything I could to ensure she was supported financially and emotionally wise. Finally she told me she broke up with 2 months AFTER she had broken up with me (she never told me but told me she loved me and we were still together for 2 months) Yah.. then she "miscarries" her child.. my would be first born.. lost.. later I find out it was an ovarian cyst.. so yah first GF... full of lies.. guess I was right not to trust her.. needless to say I was devestated.
2 years go by.. no gf's no relationships.. nothing so when I meet another girl online I go for it.. not chaotically however.. I drill her online and all that.. we fit perfectly.. We always made each other laugh.. we always liked talking to each other.. we had alot in common.. after a 3 months of drilling here and ensuring she was the real deal (not wanting to rush this time) I bought her a one way ticket up here (I wasn't wasting my money just to send her back if her and I really got along which in my mind was a sure thing) Found out on our first meeting as soon as she saw me she "knew it wasn't going to work" and that she had just wanted to be friends when she came up.. HELLO? you don't tell someone you love them and that you want to be with them if you want to be only friends.. lasted a month.. well her stay did.. then the Gov paid her way back.. family emergency.. my relationship actually survived about.. 3 or 4 days.. go fing me hey? Once again my trust issues arouse.. never accused her but the way her and my roomate acted it made me suspicious.. they would talk to each other in pm's even when in the same room.. at a lan party they talked to each other almost the entire time in PM's (private msg;s like msn) wouldn't discuss anything with me.. spent time alone together.. went to the bar together and told me I had to stay home and look after the guy she likes who's having trust issues with her too.. at this point I had given up on her.. so I didn;t care that despite being in my house she still picked up guys online.. theres a winner now that I think of it.. anyways she went back.. cost me an arm and a leg.. I never had a dollar to my name for the entire time she was there... she was a picky eater. wouldn't eat anything I cooked.. "I didn't do it the way she liked it" so I ate it..
so thats 2 online relationships down.. 2 relationships period.. after 5 months I met SG and Jack.. at this point I had basically sworn off pursuing women for anything but flings.. I had my heart ripped out too much by too many.. this all that you read now is only the more larger incidents in my life. So yes I have ALOT of baggage and mistrust.. betrayal.. pain in my life. At least thats my view and what I see. Some of you might think this is nothing at all compared to your lives.. well that may be true but in my heart and my mind it was extremely difficult. Now with SG.. she has once betrayed my trust.. and I once here.. I was surprised at how unaffected I was with it all.. I didn't care.. but now the thought of her and another guy (Not including jack.. as well he's her husband and I don't get jealous or anything of that) the thought sickens me.. right now is worse then ever before.. I was waiting for this.. for the past while I had a air of blissful ignorance.. like my mind denied it all.. that there was still hope.. well today all that vanished and right now I took the full brunt of everything.. and well.. this is why I am posting.. stewing the pot.. giving you dirt on me.. whatever.. told you before I'd let you all know more about me.. now you have some insight into my experiences.. my distrust my wierdness.. OH and my jealousy/dislike for guys stems from the fact almost all the women I know have been assaulted/raped.. soemthing I despise and the fact that from what I've seen most men are horned up perv's looking for one nighters and don't care if they hurt the woman.. now I know not all are like this some are great guys.. I just don't trust anyone really..
Now given this whole situation.. I feel horrible.. why? due to a "broken record" life.. it repeats.. relationship after relationship dooms with me.. so I am very reluctant to try another but it seems some just think I'm going to move on and find someone new.. Jack was partially right when he says I'm only trying so hard because I have no one else." well I don't have anyone else.. that much is true.. honestly before SG and V (we spent a good amount of time together) showed up in my life I had a pretty shoddy life.. but since meeting them I have grown and developed more in this last 5 months then I have in years.. now.. thats all gone.. everything I loved, relied on.. is gone.. Like the support on a scaffold breaking.. one moment its there.. the next your plummeting 35 feet down to upright rebar.. (used a work analogy fyi)
To compliment this all is that SG is hurting.. and that in itself is my balls in a vice.. it hurts me more then a shot to the gut. and who do I blame? Myself of course.. when in doubt blame yourself is my motto.. I know that annoys people but its who I am live with it. I also know Jack's hurting as he has to watch SG deal with this so it all compounds on me.. Yep selfish me.. So yes..I think thats all I wanted to say...
Now...I need a drink..
posted by K at 4:32 PM
15 Comments:
Okay, K, I'm going to give you some "tough love" that you probably won't care to hear, but what the hell.
GROW THE FUCK UP.
I had to say it. My childhood was very much like yours. Parents were divorced by the time I was 8, got beatings all of the time, yelled at, nothing I did was right, I had great grades and never did drugs or anything bad, but I represented the kind of kid my dad beat up when he was younger, so I was still a target.
But you know what, I had a tough Irish grandmother who wouldn't put up with the kind of whining you just displayed in your blog as she could tell worse stories and she could point to other people with even worse stories than hers, thus she didn't want to hear it, wouldn't accept it, and pushed me forward to taking ownership over my own life. You, my friend, must do the same.
You're free to remove yourself from the bonds of your father. Do it.
You're free to start picking the right women. Hint: if you want a real lasting relationship, a married women IS NOT THE ONE. She's the one if you want to fuck around have a good time, but NOT the one if you want a lasting relationship.
Stop making poor choices, stop whining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and *start* pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and taking charge of your life.
Woe is me never results in ANYTHING good.
Take control.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
First of all.. thanks for the comment original anony.. Now.. if you skimmed.. please re-read. I asked if people wanted to know more about me they did if I was comfortable so I let them into some insight as to WHO I am what all has happened is in the past. I merely stated it to show others WHO I am. I could give a fuck it people pity me for it. I never expected my relationship with SG to be forever, I just didn't think it would be over so fast.
I moved 10 hours away from my family and call them only on special occassions I think I severed a bond there. I get down on myself because I choose to. Its what I do to improve myself. Not very affective but it works for me. I'm not whining or getting on a pity pot. I'm simply writing a short autobiography if you would. If I was whining it'd be more like "yah I'm this way because this happened and I'm sad and I wish someone would do such and such and I wish my life was better and yadda yadda.. here I'm just stating experiences in my life. If you got whining out of it then thats your perogitive.. Heres mine.
I read your blog and SG's blog and wonder what you expected? It looks like it has been about 5 months. With a relationship that developed so fast, you probably shouldn't be surprised it unraveled so fast. In my experience, tends to be the way. I am not saying all the time, just a good chunk of the time.
I hope you have learned lots from this expereience. That would be the bright side of the whole situation.
True anony we did expect this.. just didn't want it to happen.. thats the difference. Doesn't matter when it happens it still sucks. As for learning yes we've learned alot.
I'm sorry.
For what red? and no need to apologize here trust me you'd know ;) s'all good
I just mean that I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You sound really down and you have my sympathies :)
Ahh well thanks for your sympathies red.. true it gets to me at times but I use it more as lessons and experiences and move on.. *shrugs* But either way thanks you very much :)
*hug*
Thanks for sharing your past with the blog ...I found it interesting to get to know you better.
I hope you are feeling better, k.
BIG HUGS
~padme
The weirdest thing is that you take the blame for all this. Knock yourself up side the head! Yeah, okay it was your decision to get involved with a married woman and her husband.
But to shoulder the full blame...c'mon wake up! SG & Jack are the ones at fault here. They are playing games and you were 'lucky' enough to be the first participant.
For SG to get to know you as you both say you have, it seems awfully selfish to involve someone as fragile and distrustful as you in their experiment.
They used you, and now they are done. They have each other and a foundation to help them over this. What have they left you with? Nothing but pain and the misguided idea that its all your fault.
What they have done is selfish and unforgiveable.
OOOOPS! I guess I should have started reading from the bottom up. I just finished the post where you call me a coward and what else? Oh yeah...stupid.
And I'm the one with bad blogging manners? I have never called anyone names, or used profanity in relation to anyone I'm commenting about. Because I expressed my opinion (in a sarcastic mannner, granted) I have bad manners? Could you please point me in the direction as to where these so-called blogging manners are listed?
And as for being anonymous, I called myself 'Reader #1' in response to SG's request that her commenters be identified somehow. I never used the 'anonymous' label in any of my comments. My labeling myself 'Reader #1' I felt that SG and anyone else would be able to direct any responses they had to my comments directly to me. I apologize if this is not good enough for you, K. Would you feel better if I chose a random name? Okay, from now on I'll call myself Jane.
I don't assume at all what is going on in another person's head. I direct my comments to what people have written in their blogs. That's all I have to go on as that is all they share with us, the readers. I have expressed MY opinion on SG's blog only a few times. I felt SG was open to comments that expressed opinions that may not be exactly the same as hers; that she was willing to have comments on her blog to see things from a different perspective.
I have known SG through her many blog incarnations. I like her. I always have. My comments were meant to shine a different light on what I was taking away from what SG wrote. K, you seem to have more of a problem with this than she does.
I stand by all my comments, as they are MY opinion. I am entitled to an opinion just as you and everyone else is. If you don't want the opinions of others on your blog, or only those that match your own, you have two options: Place a disclaimer stating that you only want comments that agree with what is written on your blog or remove comments altogether.
Jane (formerly 'reader #1')
Finally! Someone to back themselves! Now. Reader 1 Jane.. I appreciate your concern origianlly.. As for that day? I was in a very foul mood and you were the straw that borke hte camels back I'm sad to say.
As for manners.. I hope you read my first post here? I told you to expect the full K experience.. as in whatever I say here is me.. expect to be insulted for saying things I don't like.. I'm not SG.. thats why I commenented here rather then on her Blog. Why? I respect her blog. Now you say you like SG? your contradicting yourself.
First you bash them saying they used me and played games.. next your telling me you like her.. Unless you like people gamers and abusers?
Now.. SG and Jack never played any games or anything I got myself into it.. and before she knew all my past alot had progressed.. if it was just sex we wouldn't have opened up our baggage so to speak.. However as it progressed we grew more open and she chose to want to know my past so I let her in she accepted me for who I am and I accepted them both for who they are *shrugs*
Remember. When you visit my blog.. expect the unexpected :P
Disclaimer is at the bottom! lol comment all you want I'll just state MY opinion.
K:
you have a baggage to deal with and this experience with SG and J made the baggage even more difficult to carry for you.
You take all the blame and SG reads this and things are going worse...
It is not your fault, it is not anyone's fault, things happen and now there are consequences. don't blame yourself or anyone else, it does not help at all.
as for friendship between you and her... how? it is obvious that it is not working...
And let me rub the crystal ball here and forecast:
if you keep seeing SG as a friend, following an SG's self imposed rule of no more intimacy with you, it is only a matter of time to break that rule and then it will be a matter of time for J to know and then... (ball is kinda blurry after these images)
man, I feel sorry about all of this... because it is clear that the "experience" is stirring a past that is very hard for you to deal with.
Best thing you could do is to find a new friend to share your feeling, (someone outside of this relationship, someone with a fresh look) and cut the SG experience off deffinitely, because if you think you (two) are already hurt and cannot be anything worse... you are plain wrong. It can be a whole lot worse. worse for you, for SG, for J and for two kids.
believe me, this is eating you all up 'till your bone marrow (sorry for the textual translation from my mother tonge, but you get the idea :^) )
you have to do something about it. you need an out of the box solution for this problem.
all the best
m_i
hope you get better
M-I thank you for your input :) We did go out and did have a good time and it wasn't wierd.. as for no intimacy.. trust me.. I'm no longer in the "breaking rules" biz.. and although I feel I want to take the blame SG and Jack won't let me lol.. they took their share I took mine *shrugs* and I have been hanging out with other friends just to get me out of the house.. its been ok.. but no Sg and I can be friends if need be.
Pattiann I dunno about other guys but thats how I think.. and yes I've used past experiences as a learning turn. True I have baggage.. but its not dragging me down.. this incident sucks yes but it won't take me out of the game so to speak *shrugs*
Am glad I helped pattiann and welcome to our blogs! :)
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