Beliefs..

I know it has been ages since a post.. I keep saying I'll post more and I do intend to. I just get busy doing tons of other things. Being a new home owner is a lot of work. Plus I am no longer the basement dwelling clubbing care free guy from those years back. But I am here now at 8am on a saturday morning watching my golden retriever stare out the window and I feel the need to say something so here it is.

Let bygones be bygones. Life is too short to hold grudges or have enemies. We all have a role in the world and everyone that is goodhearted and honest with the world should co-exist peacefully, with care and consideration. Least that is my opinion. Take it as you may and a white flag to the world.

On another note I'll be posting more to catch up my blog with my current status in life. Its been... interesting and not a path I had a 100% choice in but I am coming around to it. Until then keep seeing the sights and smelling the flowers along you're path.

Testing testing 1...2...3

Just seeing if the mic works. Its been ages since a post and I probably wouldn't have bothered save I had the urge to blog this early saturday morning. It is currently 8:34am why couldn't I sleep in? Being so used to getting up at 6am that my body yells "you're sleeping in wake up!" could be one reason. The dog wanting out could be another. No I did not get a dog. I'll just give a little catch up summery of my life before getting to my meandering thoughts this early morning.

So basically. I worked, I slept, and I worked more for the last while. Since the Poly experience I had shied away from dating in almost all aspects. Not due to fear or any such thing, Unlike my original relationship, this one left me giving a shrug and going with it. Happens when things end badly due to someones unwillingness to be rational. But I won't go down that path of discussion. It holds no interest. On to the life since, I've met a few wonderful women, ones that truly interested me. Not models or anything but "genuine" women with personalities, intelligence and that special something that makes them wonderful. What happened you might ask? Well as fate would have it they were moving back home across the Canadian/American border.. back to ontario.. or ended up finding someone more compatible. So.. C'est La Vie. Am I angry? No, why would I be? I realized everyone has a life to lead and I can't always remain part of it for them to grow. Which lead me to a state of mind that is both good and bad.

I have come into the beliefs that I am a "band-aid" of sorts. Of all the women I have ever been involved with, they had "issues" or inhibitions that kept them from fully enjoying life. My first ex. After she left me she found a guy she could have a kid with and fulfilled her dream of having a child. Albiet she was a complete nutcase (to which I discovered later on, hence breakup). Others not being able to feel "loved" enough, confident enough, beautiful enough. So I on chance, enter they're lives and improve them, then exit it after giving them the push they need. At first it was all random and I had no idea, but as I thought back on past relationships and encounters/friends, etc. It seemed to become clearer and clearer. Do I want to Mister short term relationship? Not particularily because I am human and I do desire that connection with someone or some people if I get the chance at another Poly experience.

Which brings me to where I am now. In all aspects I am in a relationship. An open one yes but I don't go looking. She can look but doesn't either. I am wonderful enough to her she wants nothing else with anyone. Maybe in time a female partner but that might be it. Sounds good right? I thought so. But as history is writtin in the book of K's mind, it comes to pass once more. I realize I'm a band-aid for her. See she is fighting stomach cancer which is fatal. I was kind of clueless about it when getting involved. She had an abusive husband to which I did my best to protect her from. She has a teenage son who's confused and inconsiderate of all the things she does and will do for him. She has stress's galore all around her which definately isn't good for her cancer. Then there is me. I do my uptmost to keep her spirits high and take on as much of the stress as I can, Such as getting the groceries, painting her house, dealing with her disobediant dog.. etc etc. Do I love her? Kinda hard not to, she's a great woman. I am currently helping her through her divorce with her soon to be ex husband (and just a note, women beaters and abusive husbands deserve to be drug out on the street and shot to let the carrions feast on they're bodies. I will never raise a hand in violence to a woman unless its in self defence and only then when my life is in serious jeopardy), and all the other things in her life. Whats the problem? I can't see myself with her in the long term unfortunately, I can't shake the feeling that there is someone better out there for her than me. Of course thats true, I think I am a good guy but nothing special. I'm sure some will agree to that and others disagree. I'd like to think I have grown a great deal since my poly experience. I used to be hung up on such trivial things. When I realized how trivial they were.. it opened my eyes up and I started focusing more on the problems of the world and the people around me. I want to be happy of course, but I find my happiness in making others happy. Call be crazy I guess, I'm just a single gear in a world full of gears.

Hindsight 20/20

Well its been some time. I let thing die off and have well basically restarted my life some time ago. Won't get into much right now as I have a busy long weekend, movies, friends, going out of town. Being spoiled, that sorta thing lol. Well I requested to continue blogging and I thought about it for a while and I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. Then today comes along and I had a good day but I got thinking about the past, the present and what have you and I decided that I would return. After all the blogs sitting here waiting to be used. Might as well put it to use.

Now I'm not here to stir things up or call things out. I'm not one who likes to muddy the waters. So all you stalkers waiting to pounce are outta luck lol. So as a start.. I got a raise at work, I make more a good living still, I got a wicked red neck tan, I did a stint going to the gym, that failed when then guy I was going with decided to tuck tail on it despite my poking and prodding. I moved to a new area, I built a Picket fence (which is incredibly well done I might add) I got told by an ex she should have married me (she should of dammit). Got a few women trying to get me to settle down and do the whole "serious relationship" but its not jiving with me too well. Had a few other dating interest, they never panned out, almost flew out to florida to goto Disneyland as a group with some friends, also didn't pan out as two of the group lost they're jobs so we canceled. Met a few more friends, lost a few others to moving away. Got offered to fly out to New Brunswick in three months. Might do it, I got the money saved up. Got a new computer, a new Xbox and a new tv. My gamers den/bachelor pad is starting to shape up. Puppysat a St. Bernard. Great dogs, too much drool.

That mostly sums things up so far. I'll review and write more as I go. Life is a journey of choices. I am pleased to say most of mine have been good ones and lead me to where I am. It's unfortunate made bad choices. But hey Ce la Vie.

Invisible presence

I am here honest! Sorry its been so long since the last post! I will explain it all. So much has been going on so I haven't had much of a chance to blog about it. Usually busy and then when I am not I am sleeping :)

Update soon!

Another day in the life...

So went out toa friends b-day party at a local pub. Band was good but I wasn't really feeling it. I wished her a happy b-day and bought her a shot of her choice and hung around for a bit listening to music but both Ansgar and I were kinda bored so we left. I decided to hit up my old roost. First time in a long time I had to pay cover coming in. Happens when they got so much new staff running around. Its not quite the same place it used to be. So many wannabe punks.. too many "I'm hot and I know it so you have to pay to get my time" type of women running around. True there was still some of the women I like to see there. Nice attractive women who are out with girlfriends and just want to dance and have a good time. Well thats what I was all about, dancing and having a good time.

Now before I've been questioned about how I am look to people on here or how I seem so I guess this is a good example. I lack confidence at times. I'm not some creep who goes up and says "Nice shoes wanna fuck?" That has no style and is incredibly stupid. I don't know. I always hesitate and second guess what I will say. In my mind I build up the confidence, figure out what to say and how to go from there and then when said woman comes around I choke up as the other part of my brain goes. OMG your going to look like an idiot! Well on this particular night there was this one female whom stood out from the rest. She seemed familiar as I might have seen her before. We made eye contact a few times and I got the idea to ask her to dance. Which, I never did. The signs were there and I am sure she was waiting for it, but after I hesitated for so long I knew it was a lost cause at said point. I know its just a question to ask to dance, but part of me fears the rejection as well. I am not overly great at taking it in stride at times. Sometimes its like water off a ducks back, other times it is very different and it can be a major blow at that point and I would find it hard to recover. It all depends on the night.

I think a great deal of the issue is that I am not 100% happy with who I am physically or intellectually. Sure I have my moments but other times I just absolutely fail. I wear nice clothes, wear good body spray and just do everything I can do to make myself look attractive and presentable. Sometimes I am successful, others times not so much. I look at myself and contemplate what I could do. I actually grew to like glasses and look good in them or so I am told. I was asked about contacts but I found them so very very difficult to get them in. That is just something with me and my eyes. As most may remember Nia commenting on my horrible teeth, well no I couldn't get braces when I was younger. I was actually freaked of the fact. Glasses were enough of a hassle when growing up. I might get them now.. since I have company benefits now, they may cover some of it. So we will see with that. Heck I might even go in for laser eye surgery if I can.. thats even more iffy.

More inner turmoil is the fact Ansgar and Brenna currently just put an offer on a house. The plan is for me to live in the basement in order to help with the mortgage payments. I had hoped to get a place in the area I am already in but to no avail. I loved the area and everything I need is right near me. The place they got is way out in the boonies, almost on the western edge of calgary. Its a really nice place and a steal of a deal for the most part. But I don't know.. I've kinda rooted myself to where I am now. I am just so unsure of it now that its actually most likely going to happen..

Are you bionic? No, I only like the ladies. But thanks for the offer.

So I get home from work early.. spend some time gaming waiting for later tonight. Super nervous as I wasn't sure what to fully expect. After all we had some good conversations and seemed like we get along very well. But as most know, online is very different then in person. I wanted to make a good impression, so I got all dressed up and threw on some smell good. I debated on getting her a flower. I questioned if it was appropriate or not and decided a proper flower would be appropriate and a good first impression so off I went and there wasn't much selection. I settled on a nicely blossomed yellow rose. I can't remember the symbolism of rose colors but I am sure yellow is friendship? Correct me if I am wrong of course, that was my belief when I purched the one rose. It was raining a bit when I got to the Movie theatre side of the mall and regretted not bringing a jacket, true I didn't get wet much at all but it would have helped for later on.

I was early so I went into chapters and checked out the fantasy to see if there were more of my favorite books in, which is the Dragonlance Series. Unfortunately nothing caught my eye so I departed to go wait at the designated meeting spot. She spotted me first and recognized me and I heard someone say "Well hello handsome" and turned and there she was walking towards me. Now I kinda was stunned a bit and didn't say much other then hello back. It was a good thing that I got dressed up as she was wearing a tight black blouse, black mini skirt and black stiletto boots. I was needless to say.. impressed lol. I just kinda handed her the flower and smiled. She took a look and was impressed (whew! lol). She thought it was a sweet gesture. So off we went to get tickets and snacks for the movie. As we got the tickets she commented I smelled nice. Which pleased me a great deal. I hate smelling bad so I do what I can to smell good. After all if you stink.. well.. you stink. I of course paid as I would not allowher to pay. But I conceded on letting her buy the snacks, so long as I buy supper after the movie. So in we went to the movie. She likes to sit in the same area as I do which I thought was awesome. We talked a great deal of gaming (since we both play the same game) the people in our lives to a degree. Then the movie started. Don't Mess with the Zohan is so over the top in comedy but in such a way its hilarious. I won't put in any spoilers here so no worries!

Now I could be wrong but this is generally a good sign when said woman kind of nestles in close facing me but not quite touching. But close? I thought it was but its not like I did anything. I have my restrictions and have every intent on fulfilling my choice. So movie was done and over with and bathroom breaks, we had a good laugh as we left as I was in a line of guys outside the women's washroom as we waited for the ladies lol. A line of ladies in the washroom and a line of guys outside waiting lol.

It was still early so we decided on getting food. Now this is where my coat would have very much come in handy. It was raining still and a very cold rain. Fortunately she had a jacket which kept her dry and she used the flower wrapper as a umbrella of sorts. I however had nothing. I had a second shirt which I contemplated removing to hold over her head to block the rain but we came to East Side Mario's. We went into the dining section and it was rather quiet which was nice. We sat down and had the most friendly waitress. She used to work in a florist shop so she "had" to critique my choice of rose, which she comented was a good selection. We got our food and talked about life choices, her ex husband, her plans for the future, and a ton of other things. Time flew by and it was already late and she had a long drive ahead of her so we had to cut our evening short. I asked her if she would like to this again which she would love to do apparently. When we finally parted ways so that she could go home and get some well deserved rest, I gave her a hug and a really quick peck to the cheek and I went home. I personally consider it a good first impression so we will see when I can goto the movies again. Its been so long since I had gone I want to go so much more now lol.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Happy hump day!

If a tree falls in the forest..

Well just another update.. I didn't have to work today on account of too muhc rain woo! Although when I go back the jobsite will be incredibly muddy and just all around horrible to work in.. Weekend was slow. Turns out the B-day was for this upcoming friday not the friday before so I didn't go to that.. nor to the back alley. I just wasn't feeling it even tho I probably should have. Oh well always next time.

Date tonight! She is such a fantastic woman and although she is taken (of course) I predict we will quickly grow into great friends. We have a great deal in common and as they say. People that play together stay together :D. So yah.. I am SO nervous. She just wants me to be myself and thats what can worry me lol. Not everyone can put up with my wacky nature and although I'm not always like that. It is a concern lol. Plus I have to behave myself.. awwwwwwwww lol. But I have little choice either way, what with my chastity. Which has been going well I might add. It is kind of difficult not doing what I "want" or my routine of come home from work and do.."Said" things lol.

Here is a question I pose to you all (generally single ppl lol). Have you ever come home from work all tired and what not, go to your room and en route hope that some specific (or random) woman (or guy for you lady readers :) ) is in there waiting for you to come home?