Ever get a song stuck in your head?
I was heading out from the bank after depositing my paycheck. When this truck goes by playing this song.. now at the moment I could not for the life of me remember who sang it or whatever the title was of the song even. But now I know. Youtube ftw.. the whole way home I just kept repeating the song in my head.. I never much cared for Justin Timberlake until more recently. He has been coming out with some pretty good music and maybe I am just being Emo today I don't know. My roomate and his fiancee keep asking me if I am alright. I say I am fine but just tired. But in reality I'm not really that fine. When Shasta and I had that last fight I was angry, upset. Tired of how all the time something has to come between her and I when things start going good, and its usually really stupid things to, mostly things I do. So one reason I don't like weekends. I get the ability to sit around and do nothing.. which with me is not a good thing.
Said Song "Apologize by Timbaland
Why? Well for starters my mind never stops thinking.. sometimes it does when I am drinking and having a good ol time but even then I get moments where I sober up completely and logic and thought take over. It never shuts off. So for today thats what has been happening, and I haven't had a drink in week and even then that was a social at home drink with the roomate and his fiancee (I will think about giving them something to identify with). I am torn. Its like I have a angel/devil complex. Like they do in the cartoons, on one side I have a devil telling me what to do and such, and on the other shoulder an angel. Right now the devil side is going "Screw em, your being yourself, you single, well endowed, damn sexy and all that jazz, you don't need them yada yada, go sow your seed or whatever". The Angel side states simply "You human and not perfect, true you can not be everything everyone wants and you want to be but you should act better."
I see myself and I want to be a gentlemanm chivilrous and charming. I want to be that ideal suave gentleman. I can not change my looks other then through surgery and I'm not into that. But personality wise I attempt to be the type of man I grew up idolizing in my DragonLance books. Strong, sensitive, strong of will, powerful, and gentle. I used to roleplay online that exact type and was able to let that side out freely and it won the hearts and respect of many. I made some great online friends, whom have disappeared over the time. One in particular I miss to no end. She was the reason I kept roleplaying and roleplayed that character so well. Hell maybe some of you had met her or know of what I talk about. Queen Amora of Dracon Castle, and after a time. I became (much to my joy) Queen's Blade. Her protector, her guidance and closest friend. Probably the very first woman I ever loved and never actually met. One she lived a world away at the time, second was married, and lastly was a much older woman then I lol. I started sneaking into 18+ chatrooms (which Dracon was) at 17, and roleplayed there for 3 years. She prolly would be now.. in her Late 30's prolly 38. With her I was pure, innocent as she didn't do the sex bs and all that. She just roleplayed and was friends. Why I am saying all this? I am getting to that. Part of me is like that..
Now.. as I grew older and Dracon became a distant memory I began experiencing sex (as I was no longer a virgin) and had opportunities that I didn't have before. Forgotten was the online and the "angel" side. Now the devil came out to play, becoming a Highly sex driven and foolish boy out to basically sleep with almost any females who would let me. I covered that up by saying "I am just doing it to get experience to be a better lover" It wasn't until the events and actions that led to Shasta's and I's previous break up over the P deal that I realized how I really was. I had forgotten the man I used to roleplay and idolize. I had forgotten almost everything I had drilled into myself as a young boy reading those fantasy books of Knights and Dragons. Part of the reason I started taking Karate, to become strong.
So after realizing that all I had come into conflict of myself. The Light battling the Darkness if you would. Its not something that happens and ends in the snap of the fingers. I want to be one way, charming, chivilrous, gentle, strong, everything I admire. But in reality there are few men like that, and I.. however I want to see it am not like that. My "Darker" side is still strong.. I have strong urges for sex, my comments at time are based on that. Even when I am not meaning them as an invitiation to someone for sex I am just too open and comfortable around things. I am not chivilrous, at times I am charming but others my charm takes on the form of a caveman. YOU, ME, CAVE. Its hard for me to explain it in any other terms. People that get me get me. Others accept me for who I am and don't really care. Others get offended. Maybe its just time for me to start going back to the days of old. Its not like I mean to be totally off the wall and sexual based. Maybe thats something I need to focus on, like constantly think over each comment I make.. to make sure its not taken wrong or to prevent things like this.. Maybe I am just simply lost now. That is sure how I feel.
So as I was saying before. I was fine when everything with Shasta ended, probably due to my anger at her. But now as I work and go on through life, my mind grows gradually duller, maybe this is depression I don't know, I doubt it as at work I am fine and chipper and goof around. Just thinking about her is hard at times. I am just so frustrated things get so good and then so bad in a matter of a few days. I do not blame myself for this entirely as I am but one side of the coin, but I was the ignition of it all. Thats what matters to me now. I see people walking down the street with women on their arms, going for suppers, movies, etc etc. Doing things I never had the chance to do until I met Shasta. True I had dated before but it was never long term and I never really got to do the normal dating things. Not like I had done with Shasta. When I am with her I could be who I idolized. Maybe she just brought out the best in me. Maybe I am better off without her or maybe I am not, but right now its hard to look at it any other way then being not better off. Right now I do not have a place in the world... nowhere but where my ass sits.
It takes a unique woman to love me. There are very few in the world. I met one. I just hope there is more. I need to go eat. It has been at least 24+ hours since I ate last, maybe that will help. I hope this all makes sense to you.
Said Song "Apologize by Timbaland
Why? Well for starters my mind never stops thinking.. sometimes it does when I am drinking and having a good ol time but even then I get moments where I sober up completely and logic and thought take over. It never shuts off. So for today thats what has been happening, and I haven't had a drink in week and even then that was a social at home drink with the roomate and his fiancee (I will think about giving them something to identify with). I am torn. Its like I have a angel/devil complex. Like they do in the cartoons, on one side I have a devil telling me what to do and such, and on the other shoulder an angel. Right now the devil side is going "Screw em, your being yourself, you single, well endowed, damn sexy and all that jazz, you don't need them yada yada, go sow your seed or whatever". The Angel side states simply "You human and not perfect, true you can not be everything everyone wants and you want to be but you should act better."
I see myself and I want to be a gentlemanm chivilrous and charming. I want to be that ideal suave gentleman. I can not change my looks other then through surgery and I'm not into that. But personality wise I attempt to be the type of man I grew up idolizing in my DragonLance books. Strong, sensitive, strong of will, powerful, and gentle. I used to roleplay online that exact type and was able to let that side out freely and it won the hearts and respect of many. I made some great online friends, whom have disappeared over the time. One in particular I miss to no end. She was the reason I kept roleplaying and roleplayed that character so well. Hell maybe some of you had met her or know of what I talk about. Queen Amora of Dracon Castle, and after a time. I became (much to my joy) Queen's Blade. Her protector, her guidance and closest friend. Probably the very first woman I ever loved and never actually met. One she lived a world away at the time, second was married, and lastly was a much older woman then I lol. I started sneaking into 18+ chatrooms (which Dracon was) at 17, and roleplayed there for 3 years. She prolly would be now.. in her Late 30's prolly 38. With her I was pure, innocent as she didn't do the sex bs and all that. She just roleplayed and was friends. Why I am saying all this? I am getting to that. Part of me is like that..
Now.. as I grew older and Dracon became a distant memory I began experiencing sex (as I was no longer a virgin) and had opportunities that I didn't have before. Forgotten was the online and the "angel" side. Now the devil came out to play, becoming a Highly sex driven and foolish boy out to basically sleep with almost any females who would let me. I covered that up by saying "I am just doing it to get experience to be a better lover" It wasn't until the events and actions that led to Shasta's and I's previous break up over the P deal that I realized how I really was. I had forgotten the man I used to roleplay and idolize. I had forgotten almost everything I had drilled into myself as a young boy reading those fantasy books of Knights and Dragons. Part of the reason I started taking Karate, to become strong.
So after realizing that all I had come into conflict of myself. The Light battling the Darkness if you would. Its not something that happens and ends in the snap of the fingers. I want to be one way, charming, chivilrous, gentle, strong, everything I admire. But in reality there are few men like that, and I.. however I want to see it am not like that. My "Darker" side is still strong.. I have strong urges for sex, my comments at time are based on that. Even when I am not meaning them as an invitiation to someone for sex I am just too open and comfortable around things. I am not chivilrous, at times I am charming but others my charm takes on the form of a caveman. YOU, ME, CAVE. Its hard for me to explain it in any other terms. People that get me get me. Others accept me for who I am and don't really care. Others get offended. Maybe its just time for me to start going back to the days of old. Its not like I mean to be totally off the wall and sexual based. Maybe thats something I need to focus on, like constantly think over each comment I make.. to make sure its not taken wrong or to prevent things like this.. Maybe I am just simply lost now. That is sure how I feel.
So as I was saying before. I was fine when everything with Shasta ended, probably due to my anger at her. But now as I work and go on through life, my mind grows gradually duller, maybe this is depression I don't know, I doubt it as at work I am fine and chipper and goof around. Just thinking about her is hard at times. I am just so frustrated things get so good and then so bad in a matter of a few days. I do not blame myself for this entirely as I am but one side of the coin, but I was the ignition of it all. Thats what matters to me now. I see people walking down the street with women on their arms, going for suppers, movies, etc etc. Doing things I never had the chance to do until I met Shasta. True I had dated before but it was never long term and I never really got to do the normal dating things. Not like I had done with Shasta. When I am with her I could be who I idolized. Maybe she just brought out the best in me. Maybe I am better off without her or maybe I am not, but right now its hard to look at it any other way then being not better off. Right now I do not have a place in the world... nowhere but where my ass sits.
It takes a unique woman to love me. There are very few in the world. I met one. I just hope there is more. I need to go eat. It has been at least 24+ hours since I ate last, maybe that will help. I hope this all makes sense to you.
posted by K at 1:11 PM
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