Simple Mind 0 - Hidden meaning 1
Wellll so heres another post of my simple mind being utterly stupid once more.
Lets just get to the point. I made plans with P to go out last night and within 10 minutes am told by SG that there is a good chance that she would want to see. Now.. I already made plans with P but I really really really want to see SG especially with everything happening. I do not cancel my plans with P.. rather I leave the end of the night mostly free or up in the air with the chance of seeing SG if P isn't around. Foreshadowing here. Now I go out.. meet a few of P's friends... but all in all it seems pretty boring, it took about an hour into the night to begin wondering if I should just go home now and call SG (as there was still a slight chance of meeting) P went to mingle most of the night and I was left to wander around or visit with one of her friends, who albiet interesting was not much of a talker. So by the11:30ish we decided to leave (I left the choice up to P and if I hadn't we would have been out of there much earlier). Don't get me wrong P is a very interesting person, I just felt bored.. and I dunno. SG was on my mind alot and despite my encouraging for P to go mingle.. I however did not. So we went to a diner and ate (not much selection and it wasn't "too" bad.
We got a cab after discovering the #2 bus here ends at like midnight abouts. So we go back to my place, we were both tired and I just wanted to sleep. However before I went to sleep I wanted to call SG and wish her a goodnight. She had plans with V and was out and about when I called her. It turned out she was at a pub very near my place.. I was like wow thats cool and wished her a goodnight.
Heres where everything went to hell. I had been wanting to see SG all night. I miss her alot and with her being so near I asked P if she would mind going to say hey for a few, she thought about it for a minute then said yes. Now I get excited and like "Oh wow everythings coming together! I might get to see SG tonight!" It was making my night. So I call SG back and ask her if she minded company.. which included P. She said she didn't mind. GREAT! I thought. Tra la la I get to see SG this is so wonderful.. notice the lack of something? I never took into account that SG might not really want to see P.. we went and said hey.. and I nearly immediately felt something wrong and was like.. ok this seems.. wrong.. so I wait for the singers (was kareoke nightV sanf very well I might add) to end. We said our goodbyes and parted ways.. I'd say the visit lasted about 20 minutes.. I go home and worry.. I knew something was wrong and regreted my overeager decision.
In the end I was proven correct in my worry. I had once again assumed SG was alright with something when I should have known otherwise. I don't know what it is that allows me to believe everything will be wonderful. I could take a stab in the dark and say naivity and draw blood.. I just cannot tell when there are hidden meanings.. or common sense.. I just assume that when you say one thing.. thats what you mean and I take it as that. So now I shot myself in the foot once more.. you'd think I'd have not a foot to stand on by now. I am just so tired right now.. I worry too much and when I don't I should. My mind is just wired wrong.. I need a break.. I don't know how long but I am going to depart into the dark for a bit.. I won't be gone gone.. I can still be found.. but I just feel I should let go a bit and let everything settle for a bit and let it find me when its ready. Running away? maybe. I just feel I am losing everything.. and in the past when I felt this way I grabbed, bit, clawed to hold onto it and ended up losing it all the same. This time I am just gunna let things go as they may.. I love SG with all my heart.. but why am I so stupid when it comes to these decisions. I just need to work on myself more. I need to think before I get all excited, happy and hopeful. Especially with SG she is rather complex and I sometimes see it as 2d rather then 3d or 4d..
If anyone can offer advice further.. I'd welcome it. SG has basically told me what the hell I am doing wrong.. but if any of you see something that I might not know or see.. let me know. As I want to work so hard in improving myself. I just want everyone to be happy.. me included.. I dunno.. I need to make myself happy.. isn't that selfish? if everyone makes themselves happy regardless isn't that selfish? I need to change a bit.. become more thoughtful.. hard to do with me, but hey.. if I got one trait that has served me mostly well its my stubborness. Anyways this is long enough I think.. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot again. I'll keep my childish excitement to a minimum.. as thats what it is.. childish...
Lets just get to the point. I made plans with P to go out last night and within 10 minutes am told by SG that there is a good chance that she would want to see. Now.. I already made plans with P but I really really really want to see SG especially with everything happening. I do not cancel my plans with P.. rather I leave the end of the night mostly free or up in the air with the chance of seeing SG if P isn't around. Foreshadowing here. Now I go out.. meet a few of P's friends... but all in all it seems pretty boring, it took about an hour into the night to begin wondering if I should just go home now and call SG (as there was still a slight chance of meeting) P went to mingle most of the night and I was left to wander around or visit with one of her friends, who albiet interesting was not much of a talker. So by the11:30ish we decided to leave (I left the choice up to P and if I hadn't we would have been out of there much earlier). Don't get me wrong P is a very interesting person, I just felt bored.. and I dunno. SG was on my mind alot and despite my encouraging for P to go mingle.. I however did not. So we went to a diner and ate (not much selection and it wasn't "too" bad.
We got a cab after discovering the #2 bus here ends at like midnight abouts. So we go back to my place, we were both tired and I just wanted to sleep. However before I went to sleep I wanted to call SG and wish her a goodnight. She had plans with V and was out and about when I called her. It turned out she was at a pub very near my place.. I was like wow thats cool and wished her a goodnight.
Heres where everything went to hell. I had been wanting to see SG all night. I miss her alot and with her being so near I asked P if she would mind going to say hey for a few, she thought about it for a minute then said yes. Now I get excited and like "Oh wow everythings coming together! I might get to see SG tonight!" It was making my night. So I call SG back and ask her if she minded company.. which included P. She said she didn't mind. GREAT! I thought. Tra la la I get to see SG this is so wonderful.. notice the lack of something? I never took into account that SG might not really want to see P.. we went and said hey.. and I nearly immediately felt something wrong and was like.. ok this seems.. wrong.. so I wait for the singers (was kareoke nightV sanf very well I might add) to end. We said our goodbyes and parted ways.. I'd say the visit lasted about 20 minutes.. I go home and worry.. I knew something was wrong and regreted my overeager decision.
In the end I was proven correct in my worry. I had once again assumed SG was alright with something when I should have known otherwise. I don't know what it is that allows me to believe everything will be wonderful. I could take a stab in the dark and say naivity and draw blood.. I just cannot tell when there are hidden meanings.. or common sense.. I just assume that when you say one thing.. thats what you mean and I take it as that. So now I shot myself in the foot once more.. you'd think I'd have not a foot to stand on by now. I am just so tired right now.. I worry too much and when I don't I should. My mind is just wired wrong.. I need a break.. I don't know how long but I am going to depart into the dark for a bit.. I won't be gone gone.. I can still be found.. but I just feel I should let go a bit and let everything settle for a bit and let it find me when its ready. Running away? maybe. I just feel I am losing everything.. and in the past when I felt this way I grabbed, bit, clawed to hold onto it and ended up losing it all the same. This time I am just gunna let things go as they may.. I love SG with all my heart.. but why am I so stupid when it comes to these decisions. I just need to work on myself more. I need to think before I get all excited, happy and hopeful. Especially with SG she is rather complex and I sometimes see it as 2d rather then 3d or 4d..
If anyone can offer advice further.. I'd welcome it. SG has basically told me what the hell I am doing wrong.. but if any of you see something that I might not know or see.. let me know. As I want to work so hard in improving myself. I just want everyone to be happy.. me included.. I dunno.. I need to make myself happy.. isn't that selfish? if everyone makes themselves happy regardless isn't that selfish? I need to change a bit.. become more thoughtful.. hard to do with me, but hey.. if I got one trait that has served me mostly well its my stubborness. Anyways this is long enough I think.. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot again. I'll keep my childish excitement to a minimum.. as thats what it is.. childish...
posted by K at 7:42 PM
1 Comments:
There is a difference between selfish and inconsiderate.
I am one of the most selfish people I know, because no one else is going to be responsible for my happiness but me. I think that I DO deserve to have the things I want, and to do the things I want to do. To most people that is selfish, but I make sure not to blatantly hurt people in my process. Yes, sometimes they are hurt because their expectations or desires do not mesh with mine, and that saddens me, but they are responsible for their own feelings.
Now when it comes to poly, I try to be as sensitive as I can to the people in relationships with me. I will not always put their feelings first, but I would also never expect them to deal with things that may be too difficult in that moment. I have done everything I know how to be considerate to you, to not make you do things that you were not ready for. To double, and triple check with you BEFORE I assumed that you were fine, even if you said you were. Not to mention that I would not put you in the position that you put me in last night. Every event we have been to that included others I was dating you had more than enough notice for. I gave you more than one opportunity to opt out of those situations without making you look bad in the process. If it's your perception that I have not given you adequite time in the past, I hope you are not trying to punish me for it now.
I expressly told you earlier in the night that I did NOT want to see you if you were with P. Why do you think that was? Because last night was not the night for it. I wanted to meet her under proper circumstances, when I could have made a better impression, when we were all comfortable and OK. However when you called and asked if you could come over with her I was at a loss. For one thing I did not expect you to just invite yourself, and I did not feel I could say no since that would have perhaps made me seem hostile or unfriendly, which was not my wish.
I don't feel like blogging about this so I just wanted to add my thoughts here. You already know these things.
I do love you, I want things to get better but that does not seem to be happening. Perhaps I expect way too much from you.
At any rate, we will be talking soon I am sure. This too shall pass.
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