Experience and a point of view..?
Theres two things I want to cover here.. experience.. or lack there of.. and how that affects someones perception of situations..
For starters for those who have tried poly relationships and have been making constructive comments and genuinely wish to help.. I thank you, your help is greatly appreciated by all involved. Why is your comments better then others? Simple, your objective.. you see something you know is wrong that you've seen or heard of in past experiences and can make an educated guess as to what is wrong and offer a "POLITE" comment to maybe smooth things along. That is an awsome thing to do.
Now.. for those without experience.. true its harder for you to place yourselves in our shoes and guess what is wrong and what is right and what all is going on.. heck I have a friend online who I gave her the highlighted version about me being in a Poly relationship and things are starting to hit the fan.. didn't go into detail.. but due to her being a social worker and having all this experience with people.. not in poly relationships mind you.. she didn't need to hear more. She already knew it was a tragedy waiting to happen. Dead before you know it type of deal.. Close minded inexperienced comments can be very harming to a rebuilding process.. it creates unnecessary doubt and causes friction.. negative comments are welcome of course. So long as they are constructive and objective.. not close minded and "Take the easy way out and just drop it all and forget it all happened" type of standpoint.. it don't work that way. What these type of people need to realize is that online you cannot tell emotions so well and its impossible to fit the exact detail of what is going on in our poly life into a blog.. if it was we'd all be sitting around ALL day posting how our feelings are and etc etc and neglecting the rest of our lives.
Now I'm not attacking commenters.. all comments are welcome.. free speech and all.. doesn't mean we have to like them. All I'm saying here is. If you assume you know the situation.. you make and ass out of you and me. Try to be constructive and try and come across as friendly help rather then aggressive arm bending or forceful opinionating. I don't know about SG but I won't tolerate things as much as she does. Anyways I hope this helps the few of you to realize things in poly relationships are not just black and white.. there is sooo much to it, hell I don't even know everything thats going on or what will happen or anything.. most of what I do is fly by the seat of my pants and go where the wind takes me, as I am just as lost as anyone can be..
Have a good one.
For starters for those who have tried poly relationships and have been making constructive comments and genuinely wish to help.. I thank you, your help is greatly appreciated by all involved. Why is your comments better then others? Simple, your objective.. you see something you know is wrong that you've seen or heard of in past experiences and can make an educated guess as to what is wrong and offer a "POLITE" comment to maybe smooth things along. That is an awsome thing to do.
Now.. for those without experience.. true its harder for you to place yourselves in our shoes and guess what is wrong and what is right and what all is going on.. heck I have a friend online who I gave her the highlighted version about me being in a Poly relationship and things are starting to hit the fan.. didn't go into detail.. but due to her being a social worker and having all this experience with people.. not in poly relationships mind you.. she didn't need to hear more. She already knew it was a tragedy waiting to happen. Dead before you know it type of deal.. Close minded inexperienced comments can be very harming to a rebuilding process.. it creates unnecessary doubt and causes friction.. negative comments are welcome of course. So long as they are constructive and objective.. not close minded and "Take the easy way out and just drop it all and forget it all happened" type of standpoint.. it don't work that way. What these type of people need to realize is that online you cannot tell emotions so well and its impossible to fit the exact detail of what is going on in our poly life into a blog.. if it was we'd all be sitting around ALL day posting how our feelings are and etc etc and neglecting the rest of our lives.
Now I'm not attacking commenters.. all comments are welcome.. free speech and all.. doesn't mean we have to like them. All I'm saying here is. If you assume you know the situation.. you make and ass out of you and me. Try to be constructive and try and come across as friendly help rather then aggressive arm bending or forceful opinionating. I don't know about SG but I won't tolerate things as much as she does. Anyways I hope this helps the few of you to realize things in poly relationships are not just black and white.. there is sooo much to it, hell I don't even know everything thats going on or what will happen or anything.. most of what I do is fly by the seat of my pants and go where the wind takes me, as I am just as lost as anyone can be..
Have a good one.
posted by K at 9:53 AM
8 Comments:
I will be the first to comment. I have follow SG's older blog that eventually lead me into here.
I have to give you a lot of credit to blogging, considering some of the comments that were made directly to you in the past on her posts.
I am not in a poly relationship (I'd better get that out in the open - I should mention that I do have a friend that is). It definately sounds like J (and SG) needs time to figure things out, but that leaves you out in the cold.
I have an open-mind, I am always asking my friend how things will work in her poly relationship ... what if this... and what if that..
I wish you all the best. GL.
- Cherry
I guess I don't understand the problem -- J isn't comfortable, and thus, this isn't going to work. It is rather black and white because SG is his WIFE and they have been together for what 5 years or something and you have known her for far far less than that, therefore you have less invested.
Or you can keep beating your head against the wall trying to get this to work or try to become the primary.
Cherry thanks for your post, I did not mean to say that those who don't have poly experience are unwelcome if thats what came across then I apologize. I hope to hear more of your thoughts in the fututre :)
Athos It is difficult thats for sure.. but we all have issues to deal with and I choose to be optimisitc.. I tend to enjoy hitting my head against the wall.. however given that I won't force something that isn't welcome. Alot is happening and we are all being patient, I am simply trying to remain optimisitc :) As for being her primary that is and never will be my intention. They have a good thing going and if my involve became to much.. then I would dtep back.. however true we've hit a rough patch.. but if we can get over this it will only make us stronger and wiser
K, I feel for you. You've fallen headlong into an impossible situation. This is exactly the reason I personally don't believe poly-relationships can work. Eventually feelings arise.
Unless SG and J are unhappy and heading for a split, you're the odd man out. You said "if my involvement became too much" you would "step back"...but what do you consider too much? Your involvement IS already causing problems, isn't that a clear indication?
I know it's not the answer you want to hear and I'm sorry. But the poly-relationships only seem to work when feelings are kept in check and that's not what happened here. You went from fling to boyfriend and her husband doesn't like that.
It's unfair across the board. Someone IS going to get very hurt. You, SG, J - maybe all 3.
I'm sorry, but my personal opinion is that the time for you to "step back" has come and gone and you're long overdue to get out of the picture. Unfortunately, it's been really interesting reading - but on a personal level that's how I see it.
I hope you come out of this all okay. It's going to hurt.
K:
your starting point is that this poly relationship should work and asking for advise on what could you do to make it work.
Have you ever thought that maybe this kind of this will never work for the three (or more) of you?
I mean: it is not working. You are so happy with the whole idea of being the third one in this relationship that can not see the larger picture.
The three of you are having a totally asymetric relationship.
1) You are getting the best part. Jack is getting the spoils. Jack feels it.
2) She islonging for you all day long. Jack feels it.
3) She prefers to be with you nine out fo ten times she thinks about it. Jack feels is.
She can not live without you. She can't it is obvious. So you are at least as important for her as is Jack. Jack feels it, and it would be VERY reasonable that he want to be THE man in her life, with all others representing just side relationships....
Now, things are upside down: your relationship with her is the center and jack is evidently relegated to a secondary role: "rule enforcement".
Does it hurt? I am sorry, but this is what an outsider can see from the readings. I bet that jack could add 100 points more to my list of three and make my point stronger.
Now, K, you could just kill the mailman, or start, at least, thinking about these ideas.
hope you can find an answer
First off I'm not in or never have been in an open relationship. I could not handle it.
I just guessing here but maybe J never thought that SG would fall in love with one of her flings. He may have thought that she would see somebody a couple of times and move on.
Maybe you should offer to step back for a while and give them a month or two to work things out.
You may earn some points form J and it would take some pressure of SG.
Good luck.
K -
I too have been reading the other blog and share many of m_i's feelings, and for me part of it comes down to one question:
You know their rules as well as SG does - if you really want to play a role as a considerate and involved third, why do YOU allow her to break them, knowing that puts J in a terrible situation that he has basically no choice to to get angry about?
As m_i says, he becomes rule enforcement, and it becomes clear that she cares more about you than the rules, which are there to prevent exactly this. It's J's worst nightmare personified.
Perhaps you should try being more considerate where the rules are concerned and walking the walk of knowing your role as the non-primary, instead of just talking the talk.
Hello K,
I wanted to pop by and say hello and welcome you to blog world. :) I'm curious of your thoughts and am glad you are sharing your blog with us readers.
I am in a poly relationship and know how complicated it can be. Trust me..I'm going through a lot of my own feelings and emotions with poly right now. I thank you for sharing all your thoughts with us readers to help us all understand you and SG and J better...
BIG HUGS
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