So I am planning on attending Realm of Fantasy now that my friday is free. Should be interesting. Definately something new :) Don't know what to expect exactly which can be exciting all in itself. I'm totally pumped for it! Yippeeeeeeeeee
Maybe I'll meet some new and interesting people and learn a few new things :) Never know. I need to get more info but I'll be sure to post about it :D
So I went and did taxes, went "home" which is basically my place where I am most comfortable. The Bar I used to work for really. I sat down. had a few. The Owner, the manager, and everyone else I know came to shake my hand and ask me how I am. Now thats a good damn feeling. No friends? Fuck that I have friends. Hell walking home I get honked at and waved by someone I know. So make your choice. Hang with me, or not its simple. I intend to live my life however the hell I please. Hell when I commented women problems this regular I had chatted to made a simple comment. "Catch and release" is all he said and goddamn would that be simple. Reminds me of this song. Since youtube won't embed it due to request. Heres the addy. So yah. http://youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk
Its wednesday. Hump day, hardest day of the week claimed by many. Should I work tmw? I should buuut.. First tonight I am going to get my taxes done.. and out of the way.. and begin drinking. Now don't get me wrong I'm not an acoholic but fuck do I feel like a drink right now. So. Lets start with one and see where she ends hmm?
Well its finally here. What exactly? Me, yes I am here woo. Not making sense? It will. I've had a lot of time to think and realized some things and its simple. So here I am living life anew. Its about time I started being who I want, and not some whipped pup begging for a bone.
Time to go get my own bone so to speak. All you had to do was give me benefit of the doubt, rather then assume something. Come and ask me. I would have answered (given I wouldn't betray someones privacy) but seems that doesn't matter these days. I know what I did and why. I have forgiven myself because in reality, in the situation and what "I" knew it was fine, maybe a bit over the top but fine. But you knew limited and assumed and in doing so doomed us.
Really pisses me off when you look for the worst in me. Doesn't matter what I do I just can't make anyone happy these days so its about time I make myself happy. I am sorry for leading you to believe I was being a desperate and slimey, but you really didn't give me a choice. Its hard to respect someone's privacy and yet prove myself otherwise. I only wished you would have come to talk to me first.
That said! Onto my future! So heres a layout of what might happen in the next while. Get taxes done, Move!!! Yes I may be moving in the near future.. Other then work which has been going well. I will be getting a raise soon as well. Yay :) Need to go get Forklift ticket and a few others. I am not overly enthusied about getting a First Aid ticket as that will make me liable should accidents happen around me and will require me to tend to the injured (which isn't the problem, just the fact that if something DOES go wrong, even if it is not entirely my fault I can be sued etc etc.)
Annnnd after about 3 weeks of sitting at home I am about to kick my emotional ass in gear and get out to having fun. Hang out with some friends I haven't seen in a long time.. and do more Laser tagging :D Lots of fun their. Only problem with that is I require a small group at least and with my group of friends its difficult to co-ordinate anything as hardly any of them know each other.. I am like their only link. Benefits and curses of having worked in a bar. Speaking of which I need to go there soon and see my favorites and friends :) I've been sitting at home far too much. Good for the wallet, bad for the weekend.
Also I intend on going to Montana's! Sometime soon.. this week. I fell in love with the place when I first went their on a Wednesday.. all you can eat ribs.. mmmmmm It was like.. love and first sight.. Hip hip Hooray :D Time to start living my life again.
So I called my father on his birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday. Now I don't calling my parents much for reasons that are simple.. being nagging to join armed forces, have I done this, have I done that, have you got a house yet, have you got a girlfriend yet. The same ol same ol.. So he asks me randomly. "Have you gotten into music?" Now... this is a starting comment to something I am really sore about, so I will start at the beginning.
When I was young prolly around 6 years old, my parents friends were moving and we went to help. Well my dad's friend said I could have this old beat up string guitar that had only 3 strings left since he was just going to throw it out anyways. So I took it home and plucked away on it for a few days. Then coming home from school one day I couldn't find it. When I asked, my parents answered simply. We threw it out. To a 6 year old who loved that guitar I was as you can imagine quite upset, but as with most kids at that age you grow up, you get over it. Well a few years later I saw the next musical instrument that I became enamored with, the keyboard. At this time in life they were the cats meow so to speak. We had this old air piano or whatever it is and I plunked away at that till I was yelled at basically. So for 2 months I begged and pleaded, ranted and raved for a keyboard for christmas. Well my parents bought a keyboard... for my sister... and the year prior.. a guitar.. for my sister.
Now fast forward until I was about 15. Said intruments have been sitting in my sisters closet collecting dust for years. She gets the urge to break them out so my mom gets her lessons for the guitar and beginner books. On the off chance of interest I plucked along the guitar.. and keyboard.. and for the first time playing I had a natural talent for playing music.. I would read the music once, memorize it basically and be able to play it. But that boat had sailed, at least for me it had. So now as I talked to him not 20 minutes ago, he tells me I had a natural talent and that I should get into it. Maybe I should, I might try to, I will have to see how my interest pans out in that but I don't know. I'm not the boy I was when I was 6 years old.
I was heading out from the bank after depositing my paycheck. When this truck goes by playing this song.. now at the moment I could not for the life of me remember who sang it or whatever the title was of the song even. But now I know. Youtube ftw.. the whole way home I just kept repeating the song in my head.. I never much cared for Justin Timberlake until more recently. He has been coming out with some pretty good music and maybe I am just being Emo today I don't know. My roomate and his fiancee keep asking me if I am alright. I say I am fine but just tired. But in reality I'm not really that fine. When Shasta and I had that last fight I was angry, upset. Tired of how all the time something has to come between her and I when things start going good, and its usually really stupid things to, mostly things I do. So one reason I don't like weekends. I get the ability to sit around and do nothing.. which with me is not a good thing.
Said Song "Apologize by Timbaland
Why? Well for starters my mind never stops thinking.. sometimes it does when I am drinking and having a good ol time but even then I get moments where I sober up completely and logic and thought take over. It never shuts off. So for today thats what has been happening, and I haven't had a drink in week and even then that was a social at home drink with the roomate and his fiancee (I will think about giving them something to identify with). I am torn. Its like I have a angel/devil complex. Like they do in the cartoons, on one side I have a devil telling me what to do and such, and on the other shoulder an angel. Right now the devil side is going "Screw em, your being yourself, you single, well endowed, damn sexy and all that jazz, you don't need them yada yada, go sow your seed or whatever". The Angel side states simply "You human and not perfect, true you can not be everything everyone wants and you want to be but you should act better."
I see myself and I want to be a gentlemanm chivilrous and charming. I want to be that ideal suave gentleman. I can not change my looks other then through surgery and I'm not into that. But personality wise I attempt to be the type of man I grew up idolizing in my DragonLance books. Strong, sensitive, strong of will, powerful, and gentle. I used to roleplay online that exact type and was able to let that side out freely and it won the hearts and respect of many. I made some great online friends, whom have disappeared over the time. One in particular I miss to no end. She was the reason I kept roleplaying and roleplayed that character so well. Hell maybe some of you had met her or know of what I talk about. Queen Amora of Dracon Castle, and after a time. I became (much to my joy) Queen's Blade. Her protector, her guidance and closest friend. Probably the very first woman I ever loved and never actually met. One she lived a world away at the time, second was married, and lastly was a much older woman then I lol. I started sneaking into 18+ chatrooms (which Dracon was) at 17, and roleplayed there for 3 years. She prolly would be now.. in her Late 30's prolly 38. With her I was pure, innocent as she didn't do the sex bs and all that. She just roleplayed and was friends. Why I am saying all this? I am getting to that. Part of me is like that..
Now.. as I grew older and Dracon became a distant memory I began experiencing sex (as I was no longer a virgin) and had opportunities that I didn't have before. Forgotten was the online and the "angel" side. Now the devil came out to play, becoming a Highly sex driven and foolish boy out to basically sleep with almost any females who would let me. I covered that up by saying "I am just doing it to get experience to be a better lover" It wasn't until the events and actions that led to Shasta's and I's previous break up over the P deal that I realized how I really was. I had forgotten the man I used to roleplay and idolize. I had forgotten almost everything I had drilled into myself as a young boy reading those fantasy books of Knights and Dragons. Part of the reason I started taking Karate, to become strong.
So after realizing that all I had come into conflict of myself. The Light battling the Darkness if you would. Its not something that happens and ends in the snap of the fingers. I want to be one way, charming, chivilrous, gentle, strong, everything I admire. But in reality there are few men like that, and I.. however I want to see it am not like that. My "Darker" side is still strong.. I have strong urges for sex, my comments at time are based on that. Even when I am not meaning them as an invitiation to someone for sex I am just too open and comfortable around things. I am not chivilrous, at times I am charming but others my charm takes on the form of a caveman. YOU, ME, CAVE. Its hard for me to explain it in any other terms. People that get me get me. Others accept me for who I am and don't really care. Others get offended. Maybe its just time for me to start going back to the days of old. Its not like I mean to be totally off the wall and sexual based. Maybe thats something I need to focus on, like constantly think over each comment I make.. to make sure its not taken wrong or to prevent things like this.. Maybe I am just simply lost now. That is sure how I feel.
So as I was saying before. I was fine when everything with Shasta ended, probably due to my anger at her. But now as I work and go on through life, my mind grows gradually duller, maybe this is depression I don't know, I doubt it as at work I am fine and chipper and goof around. Just thinking about her is hard at times. I am just so frustrated things get so good and then so bad in a matter of a few days. I do not blame myself for this entirely as I am but one side of the coin, but I was the ignition of it all. Thats what matters to me now. I see people walking down the street with women on their arms, going for suppers, movies, etc etc. Doing things I never had the chance to do until I met Shasta. True I had dated before but it was never long term and I never really got to do the normal dating things. Not like I had done with Shasta. When I am with her I could be who I idolized. Maybe she just brought out the best in me. Maybe I am better off without her or maybe I am not, but right now its hard to look at it any other way then being not better off. Right now I do not have a place in the world... nowhere but where my ass sits.
It takes a unique woman to love me. There are very few in the world. I met one. I just hope there is more. I need to go eat. It has been at least 24+ hours since I ate last, maybe that will help. I hope this all makes sense to you.
I know I said I would post more about my trip to Toronto/Guelph area, however I am sure those of you still around who read my blog.. or wait for me to post something once a year.. probably read Shasta's blog and therefore, know all. So I won't repeat whats been said. Instead I'll start fresh from here on out. Now hers a warning.. I don't plan out my blogs. I just start with a letter, then a word and keep typing until I can't think of much more to write about so you've been warned lol.
I don't even know if I will continue blogging.. I know I said that before but I am still questioning it. I was going to get into it again since Shasta and I were getting more comfortable around each other and things were looking pretty damn good. However as fate would have it.. and a time tested and true fact about my life. If its too good to be true. It probably is, and so it was made plainly evident lately. Shasta did not go into the whole reasoning of why things turned sour and so I won't either. I am not about to get involved in an online drama war. Drama period is something I tend to avoid if possible, even if some people claim I am the root of it all. Its simple. I don't cause the drama. I am just myself and peoples have to learn how to get me. If they don't their loss, also heres a piece of advice. When you look for something wrong with the single mindedness to find something wrong, it is a guarantee you'll find something wrong.
So here I am, single, which is fine by me. Desperate apparently according to some. Which I just have to laugh about. I get offers and some very attractive women approaching me whom I could very much find something interesting in, however I keep my interest on one, regardless of what happens or what I end up doing. I guess you could call me desperate, flying (something I have never done commercially.) 3000 kilometers just to see someone who I never stopped loving. Yah I am super desperate it seems. Hard headed? Hardly hard. Maybe in being myself around whoever and not being shy anymore. Like really, how many people are exactly online as they are in person? True there are similarities but being online is so much easier to talk to people. With that its easier for things to be construed.
*EDIT* Now don't take this the wrong way. I'm not passing the buck, I know what I do and sometimes its over the top and at times I don't catch it all. Its part of who I am. I don't always think about everything and at times that can lead to BS like this. However if I feel comfortable enough to state things then there is a reason. This is how things get mis-construed. However there is only so much one can say really. I guess all could have been avoided really, in an ideal world. No ones hurt (well besides the obvious it seems) no ones dead and no ones life is fucked up. Guess thats the bright side..
ANYWAYS.. I should just stop there afor I do start what I don't want to. So onto deciding to blog about. I am thinking of doing more of my writings yay! My weekly activities or whatever I end up doing and feel like posting about. So for now I will be posting more! Hopefully! maybe I'll post my pictures of the trip to Niagra Falls. Now that was awesome to see.
Daily events? I might be going to a fetish show tmw night. Depends if I feel up to it and if I have company to go with or not. I might just use the weekend for sleep. Work has been tiring, the crew I am on is top performing in the company making the most progress and keeping on time despite the small amount of men we have at the site. Which means I am a busy man lol. So when friday rolls around I am eager to go home and sleep, not this friday however. Work is simple, do your job, don't get killed, don't kill anyone else and get your paycheck. Life.. however is much more complicated. So at times I find that work is a good repeave from life in general. Keeps my mind occupied so I don't think of the BS that is life. Plus the work I do allows me to get in pretty good physical shape and a paycheck is always nice. Now that work is over, time to relax and see what I can do now with the rest of my life outside of work, specifically this weekend. Speaking of work being over I require a shower... Also I just heard a song that goes along well with this post. Cya for now!
Stewardess is that the ground rushing up to greet us? Will it be our friends?
It has been ages since I posted. I know I know.. I had honestly given up on posting until recently I was like.. well hmm maybe I should. Anyways I'll keep details to a minimum so looking back I have a lot of catching up to do..
Work has changed only in employers, I still do the same form of work. What can I say I love the job, it pays good and it keeps me in pretty good shape on top of that I'm outdoors. Which in itself can be a good thing or a bad thing. But as they say, take the good and bad lemons and make lemonade! I did actually take up a job working at a Bar that has live bands on the weekend.. Was sweet to start. I was a covering guy but mainly bussing but not limited to that. I bounced, Bar assisted.. cleaned.. everything really lol. That was fun for a while.. but didn't pan out. I wasn't worried as I had only taken the job as a favor to help them out and cover a guys vacation.
Now what else... not much else.. the kink night in calgary had stopped happening which dissapointed me. Now theres a new one I simply MUST goto apparently.. I don't have the link but if you facebook search for "The Garden". I will be required to get more kinky clothing or some formal wear to attend however... hmm SHOPPING TIME! lol I do enjoy shopping.. to a point. When you start trying on half the store... theirs a problem.
Other then all that.. My trip to Toronto. Yes.. K reached 40 000 feet in the air... almost.. watching that little minimap showing airspeed (which was 550 kph for the most part on my flight out) and altitude was the main staple of my entertainment on the flight out. Which only actually took 3 and a half hours. So that means what? MORE trips to Toronto!!! That is if Jack and Shasta will be up for that. For my first time in an actual commercial airplane it was a little unsettling.. but totally doable. I was light headed most of the trip so every adjustment to the plane I felt my head slosh to one side or the other. Taking off was a breeze really, landing however was.. an interesting feeling. Luckily for me I landed in Kitchener/Waterloo which was a small airport and no real turbulence. Although there was a lot of low overcast so while the nose of the plane was pointed down I overheard people commenting that we should be touching down already. Umm the nose is pointed down.. so if we touched down.. kablooey! So that made me nervous.. but as it was. I didn't go kablooey they pulled up and had a soft.. sort of landing lol.
Well I'll be posting more about my Toronto adventure soon. But this is a good start! Oh and btw. I never joined the mile high club.. actually I never took my seatbelt off the entire flight lol.
