Something new?

I found this long ago and I know a few of you might enjoy this so here...
Its a "Who's your vampire personality?" test.. very fun..
http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=55592



You scored Marious.

You are the quiet cool. You are so mellow people are lulled into a false sense of security. When you are pissed god help anyone who crosses you?

Marius 92%
Dracula 83%
Deacon Frost 75%
Louis 67%
Blade 58%
Armand 50%
Angel 50%
Spike 42%
Lestat 33%
Akasha 33%

A few stupid actions...

Lately I've been frustrated with myself alot.. I've been getting ancy and unpredictable.. for myself anyways.. little things are turning into big things for me.. I've been very irritable lately.. Not much to say really.. I'm just being a typical me.. and ruining everything -.- I wish things wer easier.. but if they were would it be worth it? I look back on whats all happened and sometimes I can be overwhelmed about how much we've all went through and in a sense I feel proud of myself for the changes I've made.. but on the flip side disappointed in the mistakes and actions I have taken. I've made a few big ones lately and I frown on myself.. I should know better. You see I've noticed I can be very irrational.. just my way of thinking.. I think big rather then conventional.. the whole cake rather then what I can eat.. some would call this greedy upon first seeing this but alongside that train of thought is my willingness to give and support. I am happiest when I make someone happy.. I've been told to do things to make MYSELF happy.. now.. heres the question.. if doing things for others makes me happy.. am I still doing it for myself? I've thought of that.. I love doing things for others even when not asked.. it gets me into trouble sometimes as people think I am being a know it all and telling them what to do. This isn't the case but with a few wrong words it can become very hurtful.

I am just me.. I don't even know who I am yet.. I sometimes prefer the hard way over the easy way as the end of the way is more beneficial in the end, least for me it is. I like doing things hard at times, it builds my confidence and personality. Like at work, If I need to do something there is usally two ways.. a tricky but easier way or a harder longer way. I will most likely opt for the harder longer way as then I know I can do it and get the job done. At times I choose the harder way to give my body an increased workout, to push myself to the limit. I don't know what my limits are and I want to know them as then I will truly know myself. Then I will know if I can be all the man that SG wants. True she loves me as I am and I love her for her acceptance even more. But then there is me, I don't love myself. Its hard for me to accept SG's love so unconditionally I always feel like I need to do more to prove myself. I've come to realize its not SG I am trying to prove things to, it is myself. Its a need to do things the hard way to say K (me)you did this, you succeeded, you ARE worthy of what it is you want. When I do that.. when I prove to myself I am a wonderful, determined, understanding, caring, loving person. The, and only then do I feel I can be truly happy.

I seek help for help with accepting SG's poly choices, to grow in that field. But in the end the core issues and feelings are my job to change. I want to change. Not just because I love SG with all my heart, but because I "KNOW" I can be happy as a poly, its just getting past those lingering hurdles in my mind that is holding me back. I've noticed something lately as well. I'd almost say I'm poly at heart as well.. its just getting over those society acceptable standards thats ingrained in my mind. Why do I say this? I am with SG I love her to bits, when talking to another female about SG (she was very understanding and accepting) I caught myself wondering if that female was poly.. of course I didn't ask that would have been rude and completely wrong. I would need first of course to talk to SG about it. I've thought about maybe being with another poly or mono female who accepts SG. I just never thought it possible. It would sure help me, maybe that is the key I am missing. I feel I am lacking support on what I want lately. SG wants one thing and I am trying to come to terms. But on my side I am not getting what I want and at times I don't feel its fair but then that is my choice. SG made her choice and I stand by her, I wouldn't want her lying to herself and withdrawing from her poly relationship on account of me. That would hurt me far far far more to see her unhappy.

For someone who always believe anything is possible I sure do doubt myself and my ability to change. I need to become more positive and picture the perfect outcome of this all where EVERYONE is happy, not just me. I need to be selfish but not to SG, she has been more then enough self sacrificing. Its time I need to be selfish of myself. I know what I want, now I just need to take what I need from myself and force that change to happen. To stop being so paranoid and unforigiving of myself and those around me. I need to step up and pull up my socks. Get my elbows dirty, that kinda thing heh.

Thanks to all my readers. Just thought I would say that and thanks to SG for being all that a man (and many other men lol) can ask for in one small package. You truly are an inspiration.

Ok so..

I just enabled comment moderating.. so for your security as I am going to ask a question to a select group of people.. Now.. to anyone who is mono or similar (in between mono and poly) Who are with someone poly.. On advision I would love to hear back your stories on how you overcame the feelings and emotions when first entering into such a relationship.. as right now I consider myself poly.. but with mono tendancies.. wierd no? well I do not object to having more then one gf.. but I don't think I can find someone like SG. So I want to figure it out.. enough of the messy stuff as SG put it.. I want to work it out myself and yes I still will but I am not too proud to admit I want help.. I was just too stubborn to admit it.. I know myself.. I know it won't be easy.. But if I had changed who I was.. I would finally be proud of myself for being myself.. for coming to terms with with myself.. I do this all for me.. because I want to make SG Happy.. so.. I'm asking for your help.

Once again comments are moderated do only I will see the addresses (I will email each afterwards with my email) have to protect my IDentity yaknow :) I know this is a bit unorthodox.. but rly.. since when have I done things by the book and proper? lol thank you all ahead of time.. your input is appreciated.


P.s Sg sorry for being so stubborn.. I'm trying.

The big long post..

Be prepared.. it might be extremely long.. as I am just in a typing mood and want to get a lot off my chest..

Well lets start off good.. my life.. is controlled by lazyness and fear.. I'll explain. I have a great paying job.. extremely hard work on certain days.. when I get up in the morning I don't want to go to work.. same as most ya? But throught the day? Contemplating doing something to be injured to get time off? (Not Union so I don't get paid time off for injuries..) I've thought about it.. never did it.. willpower against such actions prevent me. I often comment I have no willpower.. usually because I spend it all conquering my inherent being of fear and lazyness. I live in fear.. a good example is SG and I breaking up.. constant thoughts of her leaving me wrack my brain all day.. I spend a good part of my willpower pushing them aside and forcing myself into a certain track of mind. Forcing my mind of what is true. Sg's decision to do this poly with other people (and perhaps LOTS of other people "to be everyone's favorite" as she coined) has made that very difficult. SG and I had a debated a few nights back (were both stubborn and it clashes at times). Anyways her philosophy is everyone can change.. they can make choices and decisons and change who they are.. I don't believe that.. I believe we become who we are in early life and become that unique individual.. sure we change and grow or degress but we are always an inherant way.. for me its lazy, paranoid, gentle, loving. Thats just a few of the good and bad.. if I went into detail I'd have a huge list..

Anyways! off topic there for a bit.. I have been trying so hard..to change who I am.. or at least the percieved "me" throughout my life I don't think I knew who I was.. I felt like a etheral being within this shell of a human. I see the world and I am lost.. I am multifaced with different people.. kind to some mean to others.. I change so much depending on the crowd. I can be considered a male pmser with moodswings.. So which leaves the question.. what am I? Am I Monogamous? Am I poly? My mind is conflicted as I have tendancies and desires of both.. For example.. SG's date today with H. Normally I'd be jealous of my gf out with another guy.. but now I'm not.. true I'm afraid she'll like him more then me and dump me for him and blah blah blah.. even tho I know in my heart (and her constant saying she won't) that she isn't like that. But in the same sense I liked my happy little relationship with SG and J.. true we had rough patches but we've worked through alot.. SG suggested I find a "primary" gf and she can be secondary.. to relieve the pressure on me. I don't like that idea.. I doubt any woman in a poly relationship can become a primary over SG. Just how it is. Now I've thought about it. Even if I got a poly gf and incorporated her into this triangle (triangle so far as I know) what does it solve? Sure I have someone I can spend time and emotions on.. But SG still goes out after other guysl.. so in a sense its like a bandaid.. meant to hold stuff in but not heal. I'd still have the same insecurities and fears. Here's another part of who I am. I am very self sacrificing.. to painful degree at times.. it sometimes hurts alot that SG searches out guys, talks to guys and wants to have the opportunity to sleep with them. She doesn't know that it hurts.. she knows I'm uncomfortable and have fears but she doesn't know it hurts (well after she reads this she will). But in that sence it would hurt me alot if she didn't because she would be cutting a part of her life out to make me happy and I would feel sad and guilty.. like I was making her more unhappy than I already am (I'm not its just my thinking and being down on myself.. I make her very happy despite what I might think so sayeth SG). I am still the doormat I've always been.. I'm a sucker for a females smile.. especially SG's its infectious and I just want her to smile all the time. I'm old fashioned I guess.. when in a relationship I do whatever I can to make the one I love happy.. even if its spending my last 10 bucks on a stuffy for her rather then some food for myself.. I am just that way. Which says.. why put myself through this? You know your just gunna get hurt so why do it? I was asked that recently.. I know one day it will hurt and it will end. I know that my past.. my present and who I am proves that. So why? I actually gave advice to my roomate last night.. I told him. "Don't focus on the end, focus on the journey". Everything ends.. whether its a choice or through destruction and death.. everything ends, good and bad. But its the journey there that we remember.. I know it'll hurt.. but it'll hurt more missing the journey. I could give this all up.. very easily. I simply tell SG and J I am done.. Block and delete their msn, block their number.. and just move on.. I could.. but whats the benefit?

This brings me to another part of who I am.. I am not like normal people (least I think so) when placing importance on things in my life.. loving and being loved is highest.. higher then a roof over my head.. having money in the bank.. higher then the clothes on my back. I would sooner starve and be loved then be full and unloved. When people say "Love will sustain us" I truly believe that.. for when you have love what stands in your way? I believe love can move mountains.. love can topple governments, love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love can create.. love can destroy.. love is life.

Call me creepy.. stalkerish whatever.. but I don't want to go through life right now without SG's love. Its her love that substains me. If it wasn't for her I would still be a helpless wreck sitting at home looking at cheap porn, whacking off and playing video games, or going out, drinking and going home dissappointed and depressed because I never scored.

Now.. to answer the question of why continue the relationship question.. the benefits. SG's entrance in my life was like a doorway opening.. or rather her shoving me through a door.. from a dark room into the light. Yes I've changed much since meeting her. I've gotten better tastes in clothing and accessories. I take more pride in how I look now. I no longer become a doormat to bitchy women who use and abuse me. I become more selective of the women I associate with.. as alot of them in the past have used me for their own gains and I let them. I've developed a stronger personality.. more self worth.. everything. I feel like a new man.. at least in some regards.. I am still me.. I haven't changed the core of who I am. I am just in a whole re-evalution part of my life..

Another thing that bothers me.. and this is totally a different topic (I'm random and raw as you all probably know) SG states she could happily go back to a monogamous relationship with J.. but on the same sence.. if I want a relationship she wants to continue her search.. like.. its either her and J.. or her, J, I, and everyone else.. and no Her,J and I.. least thats what it seems.. I dunno. So I still wonder if I can actually do this.. I live in constant fear.. but I use what willpower I have.. for example when I went to the stampede with SG and rode the rides.. I have a fear of heights/falling.. in my mind 50 different ways of falling flying and dying rush through my mind and petrifies me but I did it to prove to myself and to simply do it. I am doing that same thing. I know or at least believe I can do it in my heart.. but its just the mind that needs convincing now..

So in the end.. I'm not one to give up easily.. I "DO" have lots to lose.. and I need to overcome who I am that I should be a man... I just hope I can be the man I want to be.

Adios..
K

Just a tidbit

Stolen from Padme hehe sry hun :P

( ) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
(X) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job
(X) Been in a fist fight (LOTS :D)
(X) Snuck out of your parent's house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
( ) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been lost
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced/Did something else in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(X) Crashed a party
( ) Gone roller-skating
(X) Gone ice-skating
( ) Been to Europe
( ) Kissed (with tongue) a member of the same sex
( ) Learned to surf
( ) Climbed a real mountain
( ) Jumped out of a airplane while it was in the air
( ) Bungee jumped
( ) Hang glided
(X) Had a one night stand
( ) Danced in a snow fall
(X) Made a snow angel
( ) Watched a friend break their heart over you
( ) Played disc golf
(X) Played regular golf
( ) Water-skiied
( ) Learned to sail
(X) Kissed (with tongue) a member of the opposite sex
( ) Been to Asia
( ) Been to Austrailia/New Zealand
(X) Been the only one dancing
( ) Been to Africa
(X) Been so cold you thought you would die
( ) Been to South America
( ) Been to the Caribbean
( ) Been addicted to a drug
(X) Won over a addiction
( ) Smoked weed
( ) Tried cocaine
( ) Tried crystal meth
( ) Tried ecstacy
( ) Tried heroin
( ) Seen a rainforest
( ) Attend (ed) church regularly
(X) Feel spiritual every day

Life is good

Lately alot of things have been going my way I've been surprised... SG and I have been getting along alot better and theres less tension which is awsome. I'm slowly going broke going to the stampede so much lol.. scandalous carnies.. but msotly the food its SOOO good.. can't go to a midway and NOT have a half fried chicken.. or cotton candy. Unfortunately I do not have a digital camera of good enough quality or I would have taken images of the rides I went on ad the other things "I" found of interest there. But I can do what I can in this post.

Start with the rides SG drug me on yesterday.. first was something similar to the orbiter but it was a twin flip.. so not only were you flying sideways but it would rotate you and flip you upside down.. on your back.. every which way so that it was hard to focus on one area and not become disorientated. Surprisingly my fear of falling didn't kick in at much more then a little bit which was pleasant. I caught myself actually enjoying it till we hit a spin and I was like.. Ok NOW thats enough lol.. but overall I enjoyed it.. the second ride.. surprised me. It was a ride I thought would be easy to handle. It was called the fireball and it was a roller coasted on a round track that just ran in a circle using momentum. Now it was pretty intense must have been the speed but my stomach lept to my throat and when the coaster stopped at the very top and you fell against the restraints and kinda dangled that was a lil much.. was glad to get off of that ride.. it was surprising how the more simply rides are more intense to me. After that I was done for rides lol. I subjected myself enough to SG's wants, and I'm sure she was surprised I even went on them.

I won SG a medium size stuffy bear that was rly soft from a scammer carny who I caught in the act lol.. but I came through with my stern desire to win her something and I did :D.

The Canadian Armed Forces had an exhibit where they were showing off a Leopard C2 tank, A german engineered tank from the final years of WW2 that was recently upgraded for modern combat with Night and day combat abilities and modern armaments. There was also the LAV3 armored troop transport with 20mm machine gun. Was also nice :) it holds 6 (or 8 if you squeeze) in the back. There was also the G-wagon which is mostly a patrol vehicle.. Personally I find it useless compared to the Hummer the american army has. There is no protection for the sodiers save the body armor they wear. My first impression was a landrover painted green and a 50 cal MG mounted on top. No extra metal sheets around it to prevent small arms fire that I could see, I'd prefer a LAV3 anyday.. but then again if you want speed thats your baby. Next was theThey also had a CF-18 jet fighter with air to air and air to ground capabilities. They only displayed the 20mm Vulcan cannon outside of the aircraft showing the ammunition feeder, loader, bores, and firing chambers. It was massive.. I wondered how exactly such a small aircraft could carry such an massive gun.. include that and a ton of anti-aircraft and anti-ground lauchable weaponry and you have a heavy payload. Its truly something my untrained and awed mind can comprehend. Next they had a Griffon helicopter. This one had no armaments as the only for rescue I believe. When I first saw it my first impression was the american made Huey helicopter first brought into service in the Vietnam War. The most notable thing I discovered about this machine was the blade on top of the cockpit jsut back of the front windshields. A man asked the co-pilot of this particular machine what it was for. The Co-pilot explained that it was for overhanging wires, like if you had to get into a location riddled with wires the pilot would maneuvre the copter nose just below the wire, creeping forward the wire would slide up the metal guide to te cutter and snap the wire in half preventing the wire from entagling the Griffon and resulting in a crash, I must say the pilot must be well trained and experienced to perform such a delicate manuever.

And next.. (my favorite part) they let you try on the metal helmets they use and allow you to handle some of the weaponry they use (real guns actually but chained down to the table so no one can book off with them. Now I'm not sure of the names but I will go from what I know. First on the left was a 50 caliber sniper rifle. For a sniper rifle of its size it was surprisingly light. Its meant for anti-personel but I asked him if he could use it for anti-armor. He just smiled and said "no but.." I said "But it was made for a purpose right?" He just chuckled and nodded. When at a midway they aren't supposed to talk about killing.. But just the equipment as I'm sure those weapons had been used in previous encounters judging from their worn conditions. Next was a pair of C7 assault machine guys. Basically a canadian version of the M-16 assault rifle. The first had opticals the second had grenade laucher attachement. What I found interesting about the Grenade launcher was it had a separate trigger. I always thought it was all one trigger but when the grenade tube was pumped it would sort of switch.. learn something new everyday :). Now next was fun.. they had a portable 243 machine gun. (Canadian forces might call them something else tho not sure) SG was content standing apart from me then despite my requests to hold it. I said its simply. I pulled back the lever and cocked the gun, pulled the trigger and slammed the bore forward with a loud snap. SG jumped at that lol. I just laughed and felt bad a little bit as I dunno if SG was scare of them or not.. (but she wasn't shy of the army guys :P) Next was the rocket laucher. It was made for a right handed gunner. I'm right handed but left eye domminant so I couldn't use it not that one anyways. It was pretty light as well but not made for somone of small stature as firing it would likely make em fall back on their ass ;).

Thats about it other then the Agri centre were they're were people selling their random "new and improved" products. I found a exhibit called "The Scottish Shoppe" Was awsome.. I humored the idea if they had anything from my clan name.. I was suprised to see they did so I picked up my clan insignia and motto for a keychain and I also picked up my clan insignia necklace that I wore all that day :D I loved it.

After all that we headed back to my place.. and umm.. I was pleasanty surprised..we enjoyed a quiet few hours together.. well not quite so quiet :D I'll let SG post about that tho.. this post is getting long enough as is..

Now.. moving on.. lol Its stampede and I had decided to get all decked out to go out with SG.. got and entirely new attire from shoes to hat. and she was quiet impressed.. except for the straw hat I was suggested to get and when I shaevd my goatee to sport a soup strainer moustache. I might keep it just to irk her :P probably not tho. I enjoyed dressing up.. according to SG and V I really pull off the cowboy look.. I even have the cowboy swagger lol.. my roomate commented that I was letting the hick inside me come out lol. I didn't mind I liked it. SG had to be home at 7:30 so she departed near 7. Now here is where I thought my weekend ended. But as it turns out my roomate, his new gf, her sis and another friend were going out.. so I tagged along.. it was fun.. had a good time.. I left to get a drink and came back to a strange female sitting in a chair ajacent to mine.. I didn't think much of it as it was pretty packed. I had ordered nacho's and offered her some.. she was hungry but didn't want me to think she was there just for the nacho's lol. She was rather attractive.. heh.. rather being a weak word as she was very attractive.. so much so that I questioned in my head if she was a hooker lol.. I'm not that great looking in my opinion (SG has other thoughts on that) and her was this lovely girl chatting me up.. I was urged along to pursue her from the friend that came along but I never really showed much interest other then offering to dance and chat her up a little bit. She left later on without a goodbye. Agh well no skin off my back :) it as funny tho she was wearing this pink hat with flowers in it and these two guys were making fun of her hat and she told me. I shook my head looked over at the guys who were bugging here and said "Well I like your hat.. but for them just say well at least I still have my real hair" lol as they were older and were wearing wigs.. don't be mean to someone you don't know.. or just don't be mean. She was nice and all.. but it was just strange as I didn't think such an attractive woman would show an interest in me.. but then again SG has and that boggles me even now. SG's a very attractive woman :P why she has an interest in me I'll never know.. gotta be the sex... LOL (inside joke there..)

Anywyas thats my update.. its a bit long but ya.. Have a good sunday and week.. and such.

Good times and rip offs :D

Went to a concert with SG and the midway there.. was alot of fun.. we had to be a little discreet during the concert but that was fine.. I got to do alot of firsts.. such as goto a live bands concert watched Philospoher Kings.. wow I gotta say they are great live! Fun to.. they really try and get the audience involved which is good, after that SG and I watched some fireworks.. She almost lef tme there too when I saw Playstations game trailer I was like OOOH games! and basically drug her along like a little kid drags his mom when he see's something awsome.. I'm sorry but I am a gamer at heart lol. I was disappointed once I got in there tho.. they had a few good games (occupied by players of course) and the rest were all racing (which although I am good at I don't care much for playing) there was like 9 racing games 1 shooter and a rachet and klank I think.. sucky selection.. will go later and see if they swap things out. Next I went and used an automatic pellet gun for the first time.. if it was accuracy I was bang on lol.. but you had to get ALL the little red star shot out.. I had like this little millimetre tip and so I never won.. *grumbles* next time I'll shot him in the ass THEN take the teddy for SG lol. Next was the strength test. I saw that and knew I had to try at least once. I used to be very shy with that as I never felt very strong but with this new work I've developed alot.. so I tried it.. it caps at 100 and if you hit 100 3 times you win a prize.. I think depending on the price the computer there increases the difficulty. I went for a medium size and picked up the mallet.. wasn't half as heavy as a sledge but a good weight.. got comfortable and took a swing.. not all out and scored a 97.. I was like ok next swing went even moreso.. 98.. I was like alright.. be that way and hammered the mallet down.. STILL only a 98 I was like.. wtf lol what a rip.. I left and was walking away watching the next guy.. a guy 3 times my size basically go crazy on it.. he scored a 93 a 95 and then a 100.. I think its random what comes up.. so we wondered around some.. had more pizza.. SG took some pictures I think she will be posting later on.. am actually surprised I beat her to posting lol..

Anyways now that I had something to blog about! :D Had a good time and will for sure go back.. time to go for a shower as well.. work is not clean.. and my sunburn is killing me.. take care all you lovely people! (scept jeremy who looks like he fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down before landing on his face :D) hehe I'm mean.. take me or leave me..

Where am I?

I'm sure at least some of you are wondering why I haven't posted in some time.. truth is I don't have much to post about until recently.. SG and I went out to a bbq and it was fun.. she likes to rush me cause I get all annoyed and flustered. She find that cute and funny lol she's so mean. But it was good.. the conversations were everywhere the smell of fresh bbq food made one go mm mm mm it was just a good evening, thanks Zastrazzi for inviting us out! I must say it was alot of fun.. I was a little standoffish as I didn't know many or particularily what the topic of conversation is but I was glad to be there... next time tho I'm bringing lots to bbq (loves bbqing but didn't get the chance lol). So yes thats the extent of my week and weekend. Not much else to say.. Other then Happy belated Canada day to allyou canadians and a Happy July 4th to all you americans as well :) its a party weekend it seems.

P.s SG I dislike spiders too!! :P