Here we go..

Another day another dime another dollar.. what can I say? Am sure many of you are curious to my reaction over this all with SG..and honestly? I don't know what to say.. there are things I need to do.. change parts of who I am to better myself.. use this as an experience.. not saying for sure what the future will hold but who knows. Time is what is needed and needed badly I guess.. at times I don't feel I have that much time to spare. Which in part is true.. life is over before it begins sometimes.. I don't want to miss out on life.

Of course I wish things were different.. I wish I could go back and change things.. but thats not possible I'm not superman, although at times I wish I was.. would make life alot easier. If you all have any questions that I can answer.. feel free to ask.. that might be easier to do then simply explain everything out as even I don't know how or what I would say to explain. Partly due to the fact I am in the dark about so much..

anyways.. thats all I got for you so far.. and for now my story is on hold...if any of you cared to know (other then Padme who's the only one to comment on it)

Yet another post..

Yah yah yah another post.. I'm having a very active night.. alot of thinking.. reviewing.. trying to figure stuff out, doesn't help my computer showed her mind again once more (yes my pc sometimes has a personality of her own and its a she of course.. and no I haven't named it lol) For example.. I listened to "In the End" and "With you" by Linkin Park and then put her on random and well.. she chose to play "Sexual Healing" and "Lets get it on" by marvin gaye... ironic? maybe I never thought about it.. after it played "Walking after you" by Foo Fighters.. then my fav song "One man army" by Our Lady Peace.. I mean.. wierd.. she's totally talking to me! :P kidding..

But anyways I've been reading through SG's blog from first post on.. seeing how we progressed.. when I came to this.. taken from www.xermag.com/fvpoly.html

Don't coerce your relationships into a predefined shape; let them be what they are

Sometimes, people--particularly people who are already part of an established couple--decide what kind of relationship they want, what form that relationship will take, and then try to fit a person into that space.People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Trying to force a person in a box--for example, trying to say "You can only date both of us and you have to develop a relationship with both of us that's exactly the same and grows in exactly the same way"--rarely works. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are. Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts! Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific.

It rings true.. it makes me wonder I dunno.. like we all weren't expecting this but when it came out.. I took a more passive, acceptive pov and went along with anything they wanted as I was unsure of what to do.. I wonder what would have happened if I was open.. more vocal for myself.. would things have gone differently? would they have progressed more or less? I like to think that it would have given Jack a better view and seen more of what there was and allow US as a group to work out a more constructive approach.. now that I think about it.. that just mighta worked.. *sighs* Hey god (even tho I'm not overly religious but I always humored that god and I were on chatty basis as long as I never asked for anything for myself) I dunno just a thought of mine.. Yah yah I'm insane.. I'm just in a thinking depressive and slightly constructive mood.

Expect more posts maybe.

Wow..

I always liked Linkin Park.. and especially their song "In the End" I just listened to it... and how ironic with how it fits with the situation... heres the lyrics.. painstakingly written out as I have nothing else to do.... copy and paste never worked right heh..

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
Its so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so har
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

Chorus

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know (2x) Chorus


Soooooooooo basically.. what I've always got from this song that mostly everything in life is a waste of time.. everything ends.. so why invest the time you have? Simple. You don't know what will happen.. live life to the fullest and do all that you can in the time you have. I don't regret this relationship.. only some of the actions I took.

Hmm

Happines, sadness? Mere words.. now for those who can answer this numb, incoherant, oblivious and uncaring feeling? I've convinced myself its more defence mechanism's ingrained from long ago.. Any takers willing to take a stab at it? Be warned tho.. Stupid comments from the ones like jeremy will make me very upset and I'll be more inclined to smack you silly and make your lives living hell? :P But thats for Jeremy.. Others are much better and I like most of you all.

Hell I should just go get laid.. have a moment of enjoyment then a lifetime of guilt.. ya why not.

Blood Seduction Part 3:

First to arrive, last to leave. That's how it had always been with the Master Smither. I didn't mind as it usually allowed myself to tinker and work on my own small projects in secret. Tonight was only different in what I took home. Recovering the bucket of nails and a hammer with the dagger I left the Smithy and locked up. The sun was already low and just past sunset with the moon chasing it away. The streets looked colder then before. With a shiver up my spine I set off home. As I passed the Swooping Hawk I looked over. Like any other night the Inn was quiet, the few patrons up had candles glowing in their windows, likely insomnia, writers or some such. With a stretch I continued on, the hour was too late to seek out Sarah and curiosity of what might happen urged me onwards. Arriving home I set the bucket on the table and placed the dagger aside. With hammer and nails in hand I began to repair the shutters which had started to droop. It didn't take long and before long it was good as new. With a smile of satisfaction I placed my hammer and nails by the door so that I could take them back tomorrow.

With a clap of my hands I set about making myself some dinner, nothing fancy just some thinned soup, some bread with a little butter. Relaxing in the chair after dinner I started to feel droopy myself. The sun was gone and the moon was full. I closed the shutters and locked my door before changing into my bed clothes. I paused when I remembered the dagger. Eyeing it for a moment I shook my head and left it where it sat on the table. How foolish I was to think I needed something such as that. Chastising myself I stoked the fireplace so that it would remain alive for the night. Blowing out the candles about my home I scurried into bed quickly wrapping myself in the blankets and closing my eyes as I yawned loudly. With a slight smile on my face I slipped into my dreams..

My dreams turned into nightmares.. there she was once more. Cold, dark, seductive. I felt warm and cold at the same moment, what a strangely disturbing feeling. Suddenly I awoke. I knew now why I felt cold. The fire had died during the night, with a soft curse I sat up in bed, and threw off the covers before I sensed something amiss. My eyes had not adjusted to the pitch black of my house but I knew something was there. Scanning around me I felt myself foolish before I noticed it. Slightly aloft where my table was hovered two red gleaming balls of dull light. My heart stopped, my throat constricted and a sudden chill wafted over my body. I knew those red globes. No it couldn't be, I lied to myself. But as my eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness and the faint moonglow seeping through the shutters, to my surprise and horror sat the same smirking figure from the night before. I looked to my door. Bolted and secure, my window too. The figure seemed to sense my surprise and chuckled a thickly amused chuckle. "Oh I let myself in, I hope you don't mind my pet?" she had spoken in voice that seemed to caress my being as if I were surrounded by silk, her voice was so seductively gentle. My jaw likely would have fallen to the floor had it not been attached, I sat there dumbfounded and frozen as her smirk widened still.

"Cat got your tongue darling?" She had risen and was making her way towards my frozen body. My eyes locked with hers I could barely break away to look at her exotic form sashaying towards me, offering my dirty mind to spring free and imagine the body beneath and what she could do with it. Shaking my head to break out of this trance I mumble a stuttering who? Before she lowered slightly before me. Placing her finger over my lips to silence my aching questions she gently pushed me backwards onto my bed. My mind screamed of resistance, this was not normal, yet my body complied eagerly. On my back now she crawled upon my hips and straddled them tightening her legs just enough to tease as she leaned forward, one hand on my chest holding me down with surprising firmness as she lowered her face to mine, her voice now a bare whisper. "Shush now my darling. Now is not the time for questions." Her voice trailed off on the last word before she pressed those red glossy lips to mine. I pulled back slightly out of surprise, but she pursued. Her lips caressing mine, forcing my body to ache for the passion I could feel dwell within me. Despite my screaming mind of protest I submitted to those eyes, that kiss, the entireness she gave. I closed my mind, opened my lips, and became my desire. My arms went around her slender waist, my masculine arms gripping and pressing her hips down onto my quickly swelling erection, I could feel her joy at the feeling through her kiss, which grew in ferocity. Eventually she broke the kiss and sat back, pushing her long black hair behind her ear. Her eyes met mine, and mine to hers. With that same seductive dominant smirk her slender hands caressed my chest. With a wink her hands clenched my bed clothes and ripped them open baring my chest to her. She seemed to approve as she licked her lips and lowered once more to kiss my lips lightly, my cheek, my neck. Moving downwards to my chest as she ran her sharp nails along my tanned flesh. She playfully licked my nipple before biting the surrounding flesh, easily breaking the flesh to my surprise. She kissed the wounded nipple for a moment tasting it, before raising her head to ravage my lips once more. Her hips rocked and ground into mine, oh how the pleasure swelled within my erection. My need and desire shown through the kiss and my grip on her waist tightened.

For a moment I was lost in the euphoria, the next was a sudden cold. My eyes flashed open to see no one before me. I rose suddenly and looked around me frantically, nothing. At first I thought it a dream until a sharp pain made me realize otherwise. My chest had a distinct bite which still bled slightly. It was not a dream. I stood and glanced around sharply before noticing the shutters were wide once more. However that was not the only thing out of place. Upon the table a note written in delicate hand writing, pinned to the table with my dagger. It read:

"My darling, you are as wonderful as I had hoped. Next time leave the toys alone for the only toy.. is you.."

With desire;
Chloe

I shook my head and smiled like a little schoolboy who had just received his first kiss. Next time, next time I hope comes soon. With a giddy grin and a bounce in my step I closed the shutters and retreated to my bed. No nightmares met me that night. However my body was still damp with the sweat from my dreams. The next day Sarah was surprised to see me in such a hyperactive mood and it was infectious. However once we departed ways I began to regret the night before. What if Sarah found out? She would be heartbroken. With that in mind I began a troubling day of work. But as the day drew on I became more and more happy to see the sun depart the sky.

Are you ready for this?

Alright all you Holier then thou, my word is god in my purple flowered, pink sky world. Now I've been fortunate so far on my blog. I've gotten some great commenters.. But I regret from viewing SG's blog that more of the thick skulled assumptions holier then thou, shoot you when your down and I'm greater then you cause you fucked up type of people are now more present then ever. Harsh? Yes. Why? I felt justified. I have my reasons for doing this and they are ulterior and un-selfish. I'm those who've been commenting on my blog know what those are as they are intelligent constructive and objective human beings with common courtesy. Kudos to you, you are awesome.

I'll even give credit where credit is due.
-Padme (always supportive and is a sweety)
-Cherry haven't seen much of you but so far you've been great and your openness should be an inspiration for many.
-Athos you brought up a common but highly relevant topic and that only shows objectiveness so thank you.
-Red your ability to see through many of those involved views and unbiased opinion is another inspiration that many should adopt or learn, even myself at times. (even if our opinion may differ :))
-M-I your approach is unique and you show a certain way of looking at things which allows us to see through a different pair of eyes and allows us to grow while remaining objective and courteous.
-Westex your also unbiased and many should follow your example. you have been very accurate so far in your commenting on my blog and I hope to hear more from you. Also you seem like someone who is not flip floppy and gives up easy on things.. as that can be very admirable through this you've helped me and gave me support, I thank you for that also.
-Axx you can be very objective and try and be helpful.. which so far you have been for me to help me work on some of my issues.

So far that's about it.. there is likely more on SG's blog I'd give credit too but that's all I can think of so far.

Now.. Just to point out this is MY opinion.. MY thoughts and I posted this for MY own reasons.. hate me love me I don't care. I made a post first that you'll be getting the full brunt of my badside, my asinine comments my pissed off spirited nature without restriction. Basically your getting a rated R version of a blog with extreme language and gore. Not images of gore.. but I'm sure I could be fairly creative in how to insult you, your bodily function.. how you can go on living without said functions and so forth :) I can be a very nice and sweet guy (no water won't melt me :D) to those that I feel deserve it, and they get it too. However for those who assume too much, be cruel, insulting, or uncaring in the sense you insult for the hell of it because you think you know better.. you'll get my badside. which isn't pretty. However that's something you have to accept if you read my blog :) I have no problems with constructive discussion.. but fear my wrath :D. Now don't get me wrong.. some of you do know better then I.. Hell am sure a lot of people know better then me, but for me I'm learning it as I go, and you learn better through constructive teachings rather then "this is how it is and this is what you must do because I said so and what I say goes as I don't care about your feelings" Trust me on that! :D

Now.. to those I respect and wish to keep commenting.. I'm sorry you had to see this but I felt it necessary :) as I said I have my own reasons for doing this. As for those whom I hoped got the attention of.. right here.. bring it, you have an issue with me.. come to me.. I'm waiting :) I already got the roulette gun loaded and you can go first. Just because I'm that nice. ;)

My day my day.. where to start..

Well Hmm.. I can start with saying my sleep blew. I went to bed a bit distressed and I went to bed late...Damage control for someone else is always fun.. so yah morning started slow.. got rushed out of the house as my ride was already waiting.. he was early.

Surprisingly work was the best thing to go for me today holy shit! Had fun making fun of other co-workers and they I.. am with a good crew so its all good. I'm an awsome worker compared to the last one and everyone likes me. So s'all good.. got my raise.. got paid.. was good.. next I went to the strippers was ok.. had a few drinks.. saw some average girls show off their bodies.. was good.. I jsut sat back and watched.. conserved my cash this time only 40 bucks.. I know I'm a cheapass.. better then the 100 bucks last time lol!

Got to talk shortly with Padme.. was really good. Then shit hit the fan. Now on top of everything else I have to restrict what I talk to with SG and how long. Wow.. makes me wonder really but of course I will do as asked. I may not like it but I will do as asked. Personally I see it as being overbearing in control.. But then again I broke the rules and so I must pay the consequences.

On top of that I remember a time before when I felt like a child.. being told what to do and when to do it. I chided myself and was told that wasn't it.. honestly.. it sure seems like that now.. my father used to always tell me "Speak only when spoken to" and that was enforced to a good degree.. guess the same applies here.. although I can be totally wrong. Probably am. Ah well.

Blood Seduction Part 2:

I awoke tangled within the sweaty folds of my blanket.. what a dream. I shook my head and detangled myself sitting up in the bed and placing my feet on the now slightly cool floor. I looked to the window and noted it was still tied.. I wondered if what I had seen was actually real or had I been sleep walking? With a yawn and a stretch I rise, moving across the room to a bowl with cool water, splashing some water over my face to wake myself up. I dis-robbed and took a damp towel wiping myself down from head to toe cleaning the night sweat from me. I groaned slightly at the thought of another long day at the forge. I paused examining myself.. it had been two years now since I was brought into that forge to work. My father would not willingly let his only son waste his life away moping around trying to be an artist... he would have none of that. Best to stay home and work for a living, not wasting away my life . Best to raise a family he said. With my left arm that I had been examining I clenched my fist and slammed it down on the table, resulting in a throbbing hand and a new crack in that section of my table.. dammit I thought.. it had been two years... two years in that sweating pit.Although it did have its own benefits.. the labor allowed me to develop enough to receive quite a few approving looks.. speaking of which. As I looked up at the window that I had tied the night before I noticed a certain ocean blue eye peeking in. With a hidden smirk I continued to wash myself down knowing full well of my peeping tom. Turning my back to the window I raise my arms and wash my back carefully flexing my shoulders and upper back ensuring she has a good view. I felt guilty to a small degree.. how improper was this.. but on the other side of the coin it was strangely arousing to be watched.. Especially by her. keeping that smirk I pretended to look busy and walked out from behind the table.. keeping myself in view of her and removing any obstacles from her view. I took up my comb and began combing out the tangles in my curvey dark brown locks, continuing being seemingly oblivious to her. Slowly I made myself closer and closer to the window. She continued to watch content in her security of being hidden by the shutters.As I moved I strained each movement ever so slightly as to accent my muscular form and therefore improving the "show". At least working in the forge had its benefits, I enjoyed these early morning visits from her, but today I would surprise her. Setting down the comb by the mirror I examined myself carefully before moving away from the window and out of her view. Now silently I crept across my house and kneeled beside the window listening. I could hear her heavy breathing, it was refreshing to know that my little show had made her hot under the collar. I leaned forward slowing and peeked through the peephole and said boo. With a yelp of surprise she fell back and scrambled backwards to my fence, with a chuckle I rose and opened the shutters and gave her a wink as I said in a soft teasing voice, "How are you this morning Peeping Sarah?"Blushing she stammered an apology and I shook my head chuckling. "Give me a few minutes and I'll be out to walk you home.. clothed this time." With a wink I closed the shutters once more after hearing her muster a curse. Wasting no time now I dressed in my brown slacks and green tunic I moved to the door. Throwing on some stockings as I sat on the little stool beside my door I laced up my leather boots and headed outside to the awaiting Sarah who had not stop blushing and cursing. I smiled and easily picked up the two buckets of water she had with her. For nearly a year now since I had started getting up this early I would walk her to her home on my way to work and carry the water she was sent to fetch for her families Inn, The Swooping Hawk. Her company helped relieve the boredom of the walk and I am sure my help was very appreciated. Over that time we had grown fond of each other that much was evident.. her through her morning peeking and blushing.. I myself however just kept my thoughts to myself. Part way through the walk I asked her if there were any strangers come to town recently particularly slender attractive females. She frowned deeply and curtly said no such "woman" had graced their Inn. What a foolish question I could have asked. On the last leg of the journey she took the water so as to not seem lazy in her chores and we bid farewells as I departed towards the Smithy.Arriving at the smithy I was in before the Master forger as usual and headed for my workbench. I looked at the normal knick knacks such as horse shoes.. nails, hammers and other metal crafts and shook my head. A thought crossed my mind and after stoking the forge to its required heat I placed some steel in the forge to soften it. Preparing my tools and donning my working apron I waited. That same figure crossed my mind countless times and I almost seemed lost in time, before I knew it the steel was workable. withdrawing it from the fire with the long cast iron tongs I begin to work it over with my smithing hammer. Eventually the steel began to take form as a short narrow piece of steel.. as I continued to work, more and more evident the shape of a dagger. Whatever this stranger brings.. I was not willing to be caught off guard.By the time the dagger was complete the still half- asleep Master Smith stumbled into the smithy, most likely awakened by the sound of my hammer striking steel. I was his awakening call for each morning he awoke only when he heard the sounds of my hammer on metal. With a shake of my head I slide the dagger into a bucket of nails I would take home later on to fix the shutters. Resuming my assigned duties I worked the day away and wondered if I would be visited once more by the mysterious female.

Blood Seduction, Part 1:

*Clatter clatter... clatter clatter... I awoke in a start at the sound.. My heart beating. I look around to discover the source of the sound. With a sigh of relief I find it is only the shutters to my window making the racket. The wind must have knocked them open. I arise from my small straw bed and move through the darkness, not a stumble I made for even in the pitch black of night I knew where everything was in my little home.
Coming before the window.. The wind whistling past ruffling my bedclothes, I shiver as the wind sends a chill up my spine. What a foul night I thought as I peeked out in the darkness of the street, the only sound I hear is a dogs bark carried upon the whistling wind. Closing the shutters firmly once more ensuring they are locked, I hastily retreat to the warmth of my bed, diving under the covers and rolling up into a cocoon to chase away the chill. I yawn loudly and nestle my head into the bed trying to get comfortable once more. *Clatter clatter!* Once more I sit upright.. The shutters had come free again.. Muttering curses, I abandon my comfort and head once more to the window. Angrily I grab the shutter and as I am about to slam them shut I pause. My anger forgotten I notice a dark outline in the shadows across from me. A shiver runs up the course of my spine but this was not caused by the wind. The figure did not move, I almost passed it off as some post or some such creation of Old Harlins, as he was prone to leaving the coat-racks, half finished chairs and the likes on his front. The overcast sky broke and the half moon cast a dull light over the street and at that moment the figure was bathed in the light. This was no coat-rack.. Before me stood a tall thin figure. Feminine to be sure her dark grey cloak wrapped tightly around her elegant form. If my jaw was not locked in fear I am sure my tongue would have rolled out onto the floor. Barely could I see her facial features, but what I could see was a pale countenance with ruby red lips and more disturbingly.. Piercing red eyes. I was lost in those eyes as disturbing as they were, and in that moment she smirked.. a flash of pearly white teeth. Once more the overcast shunned the moon and darkness fell. My eyes not adjusted to the sudden darkness struggled to comprehend.. and when next the moon made itself present the figure was gone.
I stood there transfixed, lost in wonder and thought. What had just happened? Shaking myself out of my stupor I closed the shutters and tied them shut with some rope. I did not want them flying open again.. did I fear this woman? I shook my head at such a foolish thought, I just did not wish to be disturbed once more from my sleep I lied to myself. Moving to the fireplace I stoked the fire which had nearly died. I threw another log on to rekindle the heat that had suddenly seeped out of my home. With a last look around I once more retreated into my bed, wrapping the covers tightly around me. I shifted until I could view the shutters, my eyes staring at them transfixed as if they would suddenly rip off the hinges. Eventually my mind succumbed to a tossing slumber. That figure haunted my dreams that night, simply standing there before me, a mystery with no hints as to whom she is. Who was she??

Hmm what to do..

Alright so.. this will be a lame blog if I simply only post about my relationship with SG.. like.. there will be alot of dead time and such sooooo I was thinking of what to do to fill the in between relationship postings.. I used to do a little bit of erotica writing.. poetry writing.. a few different things.. stopped doing so and am debating on starting that.. any thoughts?

As for my erotica.. hmm I am proud to say I have an imagination lol.. so.. I can write a bit there.. a few thoughts..

Anyone into vampires and such? Its typically darker more bdsm like erotica...
Fantasy erotica like knights and ladies..
Suspense erotica.. like forced or deflowering or something...

Feel free to offer suggestions as I don't know exactly what to write and if I have an audience I'd like to cater to their wants as well :) Hope to get lots of input! I'll try and make everyone happy if I can as well :)

Adios

Thank YOU!

Alright first of all I'd like to thank all of you for making the first set of comments awsome. I was a little worried I'd be "told" or given no choice by commenters but so far all I have to say is that each of you has been objective and constructive and not even a hint of rudeness this I thank you for personally.. Now onto the replies! :D

Firstly, Red :)I very much thank you for your input.. I've seen similar.. and have taken a more standoffish role.. Although I would love seeing SG again I respect their need for space and have not pressed for anything. They need time.. and I'm just happy letting them know I am there if they need to talk.. unload or just anything, right now were in more of a recovery mode. They can take all the time they need and if nothing more is to happen then that will be what it is.. I only hope that SG and I can remain friends afterwards if nothing else. True it'd be wierd to start but if its for the best then I won't argue. Upon entering this relationship I was not expecting the woman I found.. I've known other women for flings and such and was treated like a piece of meat. Thats why its rare that I ever did any things. despite all this I could not just treat SG or anyone like a piece of meat.. to me they are people.. not just toys.. if I wanted to just get off without a care then I'd buy a pocket pussy.

The reason I think SG and I developed feelings was because we didn't view each other as mere sextoys.. true we both were having sex but in between meetings we would talk and get to know each other and show enthusiam for each others accomplishments and support for when each other were down. Thats how we came to here.. so yes its hard but I don't want to give up quite yet unless things won't change.. right now I'm giving them time.. and taking time for myself as well since I need it as much as they.. I wasn't prepared for this in the least.. SG and J had talked offhandedly about this so they knew that it might happen in some out of the blue chance that they doubted would happen.. me? I went in blindly as I did not expect to fall.. SG knows my history.. maybe thats why she's been so loving and supportive.. its what I needed I guess.. for that I will always thank her.. anyways getting off topic! lol Thanks for the constructive and objective comment.. moving on to the next person :P

Secondly M_I :) A very interesting start.. honestly I have thought about if I am cut out for a poly relationship and I am not sure.. the only issues I've had is not obeying the rules.. which is completely and utterly stupid of me and I repeatedly kick myself in the ass for that.. I know SG loves J with all her heart.. and honestly seeing how those two love each other inspires me and I tend to get overly defensive of them both.. moreso her obviously but I do care about J's well being as well despite my foolish actions. I cannot control how SG feels about me.. if I could this would be easier maybe I don't know.. SG loves Jack so much it does make me jealous.. not in a bad way however don't read into this wrong.. SG loves me yes but its a different form of love.. its not as deeper or anything like what she has with Jack.. honestly I am jealous because I yearn to feel that kind of love SG holds for J.. Not from SG no no no.. I would never interfere with that. SG and Jack were completely made for each other. SG and I were not. True we have deep feelings but ours pales in comparison to SG's and Jacks. In that I am happy for them both.. I guess this is why I do not fear my involvement so much, however I still will show concern due to my involvement as its my nature, but I know they are strong and it would take so much more to break that bond.. if it can even be broken..

As for SG's need for me.. this coming from my own perspective.. which can be totally wrong.. I don't feel I am anything to loose sleep over *shrugs* thats just me.. true if it turned out SG and I could no longer see each other she would be saddened yes.. but she would move on to bigger and better things and I would be a moment in the past.. I accept that.. I fear that yes but I accept that possible fate. SG can do without me if she so wished.. and although atm she doesn't wish it.. I know that given no other choice she would move on. So moving on.. as for asymetric.. not totally correct.. I do agree that I've been getting alot of SG's attention and desires.. and that Jack may feel neglected and shorted.. for that I regret is likely true.. how its not asymetrical to me is that just because I get the benefits.. it does not make me clueless to the situation.. I know how tough it can get over there.. more from hearing it from SG as Jack and I rarely talk.. (I am trying to change that as I feel opening communication between he and I would be alot more healthy then both of us getting frustrated over what the other thinks and feels) I do worry about them and stress my want to do anything to help.. in the beginning it actually annoyed them that I worried so much about my involvement.. I guess overtime due to that I tried to stop worrying and ended up taking things for granted.. to my own shame... Hopefully this helps? I however thank you for your constructive comment, and I apologize for the long reply! :P

thirdly, Westex :) From my P.o.v I don't think Jack expected this at all.. nor did I really.. so its a shock to both and were coping.. its easier for me as I have fewer responsibilities such as I have no children or other family to tend to. The thing I realized about SG is her caring and loving nature.. I saw it first in the way she was with Jack and her kids.. she absolutely adores her children (doesn't care much for anyone elses :P) and her love for Jack is incalculable.. she just loves him to death lol.. I think due to her nature she became sort of protective of me and cared for me and from there it grew into more.. she's simply not the type to just have a few flings and not care.. She and I have been there before and I can tell you now.. Sure one night stands are awsome.. On that night and the next day personally I just shake my head and wonder if I was better off without it.... I think SG's the same.. afterwards you simply feel like crap and that your used.. or you are upset with yourself for using someone else selfishly.... Honestly its nice to have intimacy and not have to call them a cab in the morning...

As for giving them time.. I agree.. its something thats needed for everyone.. as well as maybe a sit down and get everything out there on the table so no ones confused or wondering about something.. they can take all the time they need.. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon or anywhere at all for that matter. Once again thanks for the constructive comment. :)

fourthly, Axx :) I totally agree.. I was selfish and inconsiderate and did not think when we broke the rules.. compounding that I always felt I had control during intimacy.. that I wouldn't mess up.. that I could concentrate and use my head during sex.. I realized I was only kidding myself.. that is not easy to do when enjoying yourself.. like come on guys.. when you get hot and bothered its difficult to keep your head right? I know thats not an excuse and I'm not meaning it as one. I fucked up plain and simple.. Now I have to deal with the consequences as much as I can and when I can.. it seems simple what I have to do.. be more self aware.. keep my head.. be more considerate and less selfish.. simple to say yes.. hard to prove I'll do it.. but I aim to prove it somehow if I can.. I learned my lesson the hard way.. which isn't the best way thats for sure. Thanks again Axx feel free to comment more! :) Moving on!]

Last but certainly not least, the wonderful Padme :D

What can I say? You needn't thank me but I should thank you. You've been a great friend to SG through alot and I thank you sincerely for that. Your one of a kind and I'm glad to have met you in the online through a friend sort of way :D Take care and I hope to hear more from you!

Whew.. long post lol.. happy reading!

Experience and a point of view..?

Theres two things I want to cover here.. experience.. or lack there of.. and how that affects someones perception of situations..

For starters for those who have tried poly relationships and have been making constructive comments and genuinely wish to help.. I thank you, your help is greatly appreciated by all involved. Why is your comments better then others? Simple, your objective.. you see something you know is wrong that you've seen or heard of in past experiences and can make an educated guess as to what is wrong and offer a "POLITE" comment to maybe smooth things along. That is an awsome thing to do.

Now.. for those without experience.. true its harder for you to place yourselves in our shoes and guess what is wrong and what is right and what all is going on.. heck I have a friend online who I gave her the highlighted version about me being in a Poly relationship and things are starting to hit the fan.. didn't go into detail.. but due to her being a social worker and having all this experience with people.. not in poly relationships mind you.. she didn't need to hear more. She already knew it was a tragedy waiting to happen. Dead before you know it type of deal.. Close minded inexperienced comments can be very harming to a rebuilding process.. it creates unnecessary doubt and causes friction.. negative comments are welcome of course. So long as they are constructive and objective.. not close minded and "Take the easy way out and just drop it all and forget it all happened" type of standpoint.. it don't work that way. What these type of people need to realize is that online you cannot tell emotions so well and its impossible to fit the exact detail of what is going on in our poly life into a blog.. if it was we'd all be sitting around ALL day posting how our feelings are and etc etc and neglecting the rest of our lives.

Now I'm not attacking commenters.. all comments are welcome.. free speech and all.. doesn't mean we have to like them. All I'm saying here is. If you assume you know the situation.. you make and ass out of you and me. Try to be constructive and try and come across as friendly help rather then aggressive arm bending or forceful opinionating. I don't know about SG but I won't tolerate things as much as she does. Anyways I hope this helps the few of you to realize things in poly relationships are not just black and white.. there is sooo much to it, hell I don't even know everything thats going on or what will happen or anything.. most of what I do is fly by the seat of my pants and go where the wind takes me, as I am just as lost as anyone can be..

Have a good one.

First constructive post..

Well here goes. its a start. For starters I'm not one to give up.. when I believe in something I am as stubborn as a mule and can be dumb as an ox at times.. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and never will be. The current situation sucks yah.. I am simply lost as to what to do.

What I have been doing is sitting here waiting and thinking about how to improve myself or to help things go smoothly.. I already know what I did.. and have figured out why.. even if its not a good enough reason its the only reason I can think of. Of course I'm not under the belief that if I rationalize it all will be well or that I will be forgiven for my actions. Thats hardly what I believe. But accepting whats wrong is always the first step.. I know what I must do and am working on it.. have improved a bit.. least thats my belief.

And for those wondering about my relationship past. I've had few relationships.. all have ended in disaster.. I blame myself to a degree.. however those who know about those relationships classify the ex's as crazy bitches and well.. bitches lol me.. I don't look at it as loss.. but as a growth and with each I have improved and grown where I felt I was lacking most. As for this current poly relationship.. if you can call it such.. this is my first time.. and no I don't have the faintest clue what I am doing and mostly just following SG's lead.. but there is always issues.. things get complicated.. I know this isn't a "normal" relationship.. but honest when is any relationship normal? We all have our quirks in each relationship.. SG and I have ours..

So what am I to do? The stemming issue thats built up is that J and I don't know each other.. were not as close as SG and I are which is a shame.. J's a good guy I know this and I am ashamed at the actions I took. However I still want to make this work... recently I tried talking to J.. and well.. he let alot of steam off and it might have helped I don't know.. honestly I want to get to know him so that he understands my Point of view better and that I know his point of view as what he is going through as I haven't experienced it not to sucha degree..

As for this relationship.. what do I call it? It started out as a fling.. everyone was happy.. it got more personal.. a few issues but nothing we couldn't work out.. now a huge hill has sprung up and I feel responsible.. so SG and I care a whole helluva lot for each other.. J doesn't seem to know how to handle that.. least thats my look which could very well be wrong.. its totally understandable.. and I am trying to be supportive.. he just seems so hostile.. I'm trying to be patient and understanding and be supportive but I am lost as to how to handle him, how to work things out and ensure something like this doesn't happen again.

Something thats unique about SG that I admire is her inability to simply be disregarding of emotions.. she doesn't play games like so many which is very refreshing in life. I'm surprised she chose me.. but I guess I am begining to understand that she see's some good in me and I'm beginning to believing her lol.. She's not the type of woman to just randomly mess around.. she's too good of a woman for that.. which is good. Rare and uniqueness is good in the world.. maybe thats what she see's in me I don't know.. as for J.. all I know.. SG married him that immediately makes him a great guy.. despite how angry he gets at me and how he might treat me.. I'll remember that.. and keep the faith *sighs* just wish it was easier...

Constructive comments welcome. Insults.. are not..

Bout time

Well its my first post on this blog.. Its been wanted now here it is.. rant, rave, attack in comments.. I don't care just a heads up.. I'll be blunt.. to the point and if you get on my badside. you'll get my badside. Want fair treatment? treat me fair. I will be starting this blog out constructively however I'm no longer restricted. So you'll be getting the Full Fucking Monty.

If you want it come get it.